GOOD BYE 2008!!

2008 has been a horrible, terrible, very bad, no good year!

That's sounds funny and flip but it was really a BAD year!
In Hubby's brother died--well he killed himself; leaving a wife and 3 kids.
In May Hubby's Dad died--he was 71.
In August Bruce died.
In October ML died.

On a good note we are closer to Jules and the kids then before. We talk and and email weekly.
We have become friend with Jules neighbors.
We have reconnected with old friends.
Hubby and I are making changes in our lives. As we start to raise from the ashes, we are discovering what is important.

So welcome 2009! I am glad to meet meet you! I hope you will be kinder than 2008!

Suburbs

We live in the woods.

Jules lives in the suburbs.--There is a big difference.

Yesterday we went to the grocery store. OMG-it was HUGE!!!!!

The section that sold beauty products was bigger than the entire Big Y in our area.
You could buy clothes, furniture, appliances,books, shoes and of course food.

And no this was not a Costco--this was the regular grocery store!

At our grocery store, we don't even sell wine!

I feel a little like Dorothy!
Todo-we are not in the Happy Valley anymore!

We're Off to See the Family

We head out to Ohio today.

Be gone for a week.

Will post when I can.

I hope everyone had a nice holiday

Christmas Eve

 I got all the shopping done!

6 hours of " last minute " stuff and Ta Da--shopping done.

Today's list

1. Wrap

2. Finish laundry

3. Wrap

4. Cook chicken and olive dish for Christmas Eve dinner

5. Wrap

6. The kids to pageant rehearsal by 4

7. Wrap

8. Church at 6

9. Wrap

10. Relaxing dinner here

Oh, crap I haven't wrapped yet!

A Little Corny

Oh, the weather outside is frightful

But the fire is so delightful

And since we've no place to go

Let it snow, let it snow , let it snow!

Our Winter wonderland

This is our back yard.

I love that rock.

It seems to mark the seasons.

Yesterday's snow amount--10 inches.

More coming tomorrow

SNOW!!

Here it comes!

Up to a foot.

A Nor'easter.

Stay tune for pictures!

Old Traditions

Ever since Daughter was two, she has been baking Christmas cookies with Sue.

It is a tradition.

When they first started, it was sugar cookies.

They would roll out the dough, cut out shapes and bake.

After they cooled Daughter would proceed to decorate 

EVERY inch of  the cookie !

Only Sue's son Eric, was brave enough to eat them!

Over the years they have expanded their menu to include:

Peanut Butter Balls, fudge, Snickerdoodles, Grand Grahams.

This year they added Candy Cane Bark!!

A BIG HIT!!!

Christmas Overload?

First we saw this

Then the side view

Then the other side view

And finally the side yard.

I guess someone likes those  blow up Christmas ornaments!

New Traditions

Son no longer believes in Santa--I am crushed.

He is 8.

I was hoping for another year, but no.

I explained to Son that now that he knew about Santa, he had to become part of the Christmas magic.

Yesterday I took the kids to Target.  

They each brought money that they had earned.

Each of them picked out a toy.

Son a cute stuffed animal. Daughter a small art desk.

We took them to the library where they are having a toy drive.

Son looked longingly at stuffed animal and gave it to the woman collecting toys.

As we walked back to the car I told Son that on Christmas morning some little boy will see that stuffed animal under their tree and think Santa put it there.

" Wow!!" he exclaimed through a HUGE smile.

Maybe not believing in Santa is not such a sad thing after all!

Weather#3

This was one mile from our house!

We lucked out!!

Weather #2

Snow Day!

Well actually ice day.

Trees are covered with ice. It is still raining and the winds are excepted to pick up.

Only bad thing--the roof is leaking!!  YIKES

Weather

And the rain, rain came down, down , down

So Piglet started bailing.

He was unaware, while top his chair,

While sailing he was bailing!

Winnie the Pooh and the Blustery Day

You guess it--It is pouring today.

Snow yesterday. Rain and 60 today, tomorrow ice storm

Welcome to New England!

Profound

I do Yoga.

I have a Yoga instructor--Beth.

She is Great and she has become my friend.

The other day I was discouraged.  Feeling fat and overwhelmed.

She told me the most profound thing--

The process is the purpose.

I feel like she gave me keys to the Emerald City.

Wondering Out Loud #7

We were writing about snow today--

What do you hear?

Do you hear silence or snow mobiles or whining or crunching or Jack Frost or sleigh bells or wind or nothing?  An undefinable hush.

What do you see?

Is it heavy snow, light snow, fluffy snow, drifting snow, snow blizzard snow or Charlie Brown snow?

Snow it is so much more than white.

Each snow flake is unique--just like us.

So what kind of snow are you?

Me, I am definitely Charlie Brown . 

Sorting

I am going through ML clothes.

I want to do it--I think she would want me to do it.

I arrive--I feel funny, strange, detached.

I start sorting. 

I run across things that have stories attached to them. 

I found myself thinking selfish thoughts  --

" I want that, I know the story, others do not."

Then I stop- 

Be fair, I think.  This is not about you

Then I run into things I have not been asked to sort.

" Ohh, I would love to have that because it reminds of something we did together."

Do I take it now or wait?.....

Now I feel like a vulture. Circling, picking out it's prey.

I go back and finish sorting. 

There are piles. 

Piles for us, piles for Jules, piles  for Hubby's brother.

And finally piles for the Hospice Thrift shop.

That pile is the hardest. 

It contains Christmas sweaters that she wore that don't fit anyone. 

It contains beautiful outfits that she wore and only she could pull off. 

I put the piles in the cars. 

The hospice ones go in the back. 

Those are the ones we will never see again.

Just like we won't see ML again.

I sit in the car  and cry.

She isn't coming back. She doesn't need her clothes.

She is really gone.

New Holiday Favorite

Trader Joe's Candy Cane Jo Jo's!!!!

Yummy!!!!!!!!!

The Nutcracker

We have a dancing Nutcracker!

It magically appeared in Son's closet on Saturday.

Saturday night it was on his dresser and Sunday morning it was next to his bed!

Last night he put it back on his dresser

This morning it was on the landing at the top of the stairs.

I wonder where it will be tomorrow!

December

You know it is December because you hear Christmas carols everywhere you go.

You know it is December because you start looking up cookie recipes.

You know it is December because you start checking the mailbox for Christmas cards from long lost friends.

You know it is December because lights appear on trees.

You know it is December because you are not worried about your diet.

You know it is December because your kids are too excited to sleep.

You know it is December because Santa Claus, Rudolph, Frosty and the Grinch are on TV.

You know it is December because you update your address book.

You know it is December because you actually read the ad section of the paper.

You know it is December because there is no tape in the house.

You know it is December because every weekend is busier than the last one.

You know it is December because there are advent calendars up.

You know it is December because there are candy canes in the store.

You know it is December because you smell pine.

You know it is December because there is a feeling of magic in the air!!!

Christmas Decorations

Christmas Village

Fireplace

Grammy's Creche

Freckles is getting in the mood

A little bit of everything.

Just the tree left!

The Monday After Thanksgiving

Did you notice how hard going back to work is the Monday after Thanksgiving?

You spent the weekend getting in the holiday spirit. You visited with family and friends. 

You started your Christmas shopping.

You decorated the outside of the house.

You decorated the inside of your house.

You started singing Christmas carols

and all of a sudden... it is back to reality.

The alarm goes off.

You leave your beautifully decorated house and return

 to the mess you left on your desk on Wednesday.

It is kindof like taking a cold shower.

My kindof Saturday.

Saturday--indoor soccer for Son and then off to a play date.

Daughter helped me string lights on the deck and drag out the Christmas stuff.

In  the afternoon Queen Mom and the crew came over.  It was so much fun and relaxed. We both cleaned out our frigs and and put everything on the island.  

We ate and visited for several hours.

we were sad when it was time for them to return to their farmhouse.

Second Favorite Movie

Last night we watched the Family Man--love that movie!

Nicholas Cage, Tea Leoni, 

If you haven't seen it --a must. It is a little like It's a Wonderful Life.  

I can identify with parts of it. Hubby and I went are separate ways after dating for 5 years.

We reconnected over Christmas--after a year apart.  

Misty--if you haven't seen it--rent!

Happy watching

A New Tradition

Every year on Black Friday ML and I went shopping. It set the mood, got us ready.

This year I am doing something different.

I got in touch with some friends and we are doing brunch.

Thanksgiving

Yesterday we read a story about Thanksgiving in School.  

Did you know:

1. They did not have potatoes at the first Thanksgiving. The Pilgrims though potatoes were poisonous.

2. The second Thanksgiving did not take place until 1678--in June. It was in Charlestown Mass and the Native Americans were not invited.

3. George Washington started the tradition of having a national day of Thanksgiving but Jefferson did away with it.

5. Lincoln finally put it into law after a writing letter campaign by a woman named Sarah Josepha Hale.  It took her 40 years.

6. FDR switched the date twice. He wanted to move it to the third Thursday of the month to extend the shopping season. The public did not like that so, he changed it back.

7. There were no pies at the first Thanksgiving--they did not have flour.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

Day Before Thanksgiving

Twas the day before Thanksgiving and there is  much to do.

It's off to the store for last minute purchasing , bread, and cranberries too.

With rooms to clean and turkey's to stuff

I think that today might be a bit rough.

I will try to remember why I am doing it

Because it is that holiday that comes in the fall.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours

And remember to open your doors,

to  all that you love.

The ones that are here 

and the ones above.

Wondering Out Loud#4

Why is it right before Thanksgiving a stomach bug goes round?

Is your stomach making room for all that food?

Hallelujah

Daughter had a concert this afternoon. It was with their parent choir.

The concert began with 200 adults singing Mozart.

Next the Junior Choir ( 9 and under) sang two songs.

Then the Concert Choir sang two songs.

And finally the concert ended with everyone sing the Hallelujah Chorus.

It was amazing!!! 

250 multi generational singers. And an organ...

Now that is powerful!!

One Year Ago

One year ago all of us were in Plymouth for Hubby's middle brother wedding.

One year ago the kids were swimming in the pool at the hotel and Papa and Grammy were watching and laughing.

One year ago Son and I had a nice quite lunch with Papa at the hotel restaurant.

One Year ago I drove with Uncle Steven to the wedding.

One year ago we sat together as a family and eat breakfast and dinners .

One year ago we had a family portrait done.

One year ago we were celebrating a beginning.

But that was a year ago.

Now Uncle Steven, Papa and Grammy are gone.

It was just a year ago.......

Brown Rice

We are trying to eat better.  

Over the past few months we ate  lots of junk. 

We have started to eat more brown rice--cleans out everything!

Lunch -brown rice , diced tomatoes and beans.

Dinner- brown rice roasted vegetables with pine nuts.

Why were there empty bowls of cereal on the counter this morning?

Jim's Big Ego

Jim's Big Ego ( group) sings this song--LOVE WHAT'S GONE.

It is so fitting to this Thanksgiving season.

I think he wrote it about his dad who passed away.

It sounds like his dad was sick for awhile.

Here are the lyrics  to the chorus.

I don't think I like this game,

I don't think I understood all the rules.

Do you just go on?

Love what's gone.

That's exactly how I feel.

You can hear some of his songs for free at  free.bigego.com

PJ's

ML taught me the importance of having nice PJ's.

They make you feel pretty when you don't feel pretty.

They feel wonderful to put on after a hard/ bad day.

They help you feel sexy--enough said.

They let you know that you are worth it.

Today I bought a new pair of PJ's.

They are white and silky. They looked like the kind Kathrine Hepburn  would wear.

I needed to feel close to ML--it helped.

Traditions #1

On the third weekend of November, Hubby goes on retreat. He has been doing this for 15 years with the same 20 guys.

About 7 years ago the kids and I started our own tradition. 

We go to the local christmas shop and look at all the decorations. We pick out ornaments and a piece for our Christmas Village.

This morning I discovered that I get grumpy when we do this--I guess that is part of the tradition.

Another thing we do is drag out the Christmas movies.  Hubby does not like Christmas, so this gives us a chance enjoy the movies without comments from the peanut gallery.

My favorites; Santa Claus 2, It's a Wonderful Life and Prancer.

And so the tradition continues.

Look who is turning 8 today!!!

November

You can tell it is November because the leaves have fallen off the trees.

You can tell it November because the pumpkins are rotting on the porch.

You can tell it is November because the Halloween decorations are replaced with Thanksgiving ones.  ( ok I have yet to do that--this weekend I promise)

You can tell it early November because the kids don't want cookies or pudding for dessert, they want their Halloween candy. 

You can tell it November because you have run out of excuses not to rake the leaves and now you are just lazy.

You can tell it is November because the heat/ wood stove/ fireplace is on all the time.

You can tell it is November because it gets dark at 4:30.

You can tell it is November because you are looking for mittens, hats and boots.

And this year you can tell it is November because;  several radio stations are already playing Christmas music!!!!

Freckles and Gulliver

Gulliver( our dog)  has lead a rather peaceful life,     until now.

Enter Freckles.

Freckles likes to play and nip at Gulliver's feet. Gulliver does not like this.

Freckles is small and can pick up the pieces of bones that fall from Gulliver's mouth.

Gulliver does not like this.

Freckles gets treats every time she poops and pees outside. Gulliver does not.

Gulliver has a bed by the fire. Freckles likes to sleep there, not in her new bed.

Freckles want to play. Gulliver does not.

Gulliver's life has changed!

Erma Bombeck was right

I remember reading somewhere that Erma Bombeck had said that if she could do one thing over in her life she would have more people over and not wait until the house was clean.

I decided to put this idea to work this past weekend.

We had family staying with us for the memorial service. The house was a mess. What little effort/organization I had started in September--GONE...  

And I had no energy to do anything!

Then I remembered Erma's saying.  

I made a list. What HAD to be done.

Bathrooms, kitchen floor, make beds, be able to walk through rooms without tripping.

So I hired someone to clean the bathrooms and kitchen. 

I took a morning and cleaned the kids rooms.

I took Friday off thinking I would finish the rest of the house but I forgot about food shopping. I forgot that the programs had to be printed and folded.  So nothing else got done.

Everyone slept in clean sheets. 

Juls slept in a room piled high with Hubby's dad's stuff. 

She did not complain. 

Hubby's uncle  ( who had NEVER been to our house) slept in Son's room surrounded by teddy bears and Red Sox posters. 

He did not complain.

After the memorial service, everyone showed up at our house. I had been gone all day and did not know what shape the house was in. 

No one cared.

We were out of food,     food appeared. 

And you know what my favorite part about the weekend was--when we were all together here at our house.

Dust bunnies and all..

There is a reason Family begins with F

ML had a series of disagreements with her sister in law, Jean. Actually they haven't spoken in several years. This occurred right the death of Bud's middle son. Jean was very upset that ML was in the receiving line, and asked her to step out.

Before ML memorial service, Bud wanted to throw a brunch for all this friends that had arrived from out state.  

Now, this was the kind of thing that ML would have loved to have hosted. And if she were still alive, she would not have let anyone help her. Her house, her party.

BUT, since was not here I know she would not want Bud stuck  hosting. She would him with his friends. So,Juls and Mary ( my sisters in law) and I hosted.

Everything was going well until Jean arrived. 

Jean had not been to ML's new house and as soon as she walked in she walked around the house to figure out where everything was. And then started giving tours of ML's house.

She did not address me by name-  proceeded to point put things that SHE thought needed to be done.  In other words she treated me like the hire help.

Not once did she offer her condolences. 

At the end of the brunch she, she told Juls and I, " we did a nice job". 

We told her we were glad to do it for Bud.

She asked us how we knew Bud .

" We are his daughter in laws."

Jean turned and walked out of the room.

That's family?

The Grandchildren

On Saturday we did the internment of ML's ashes.

My wonderful sister in law Juls, came  up with a great idea to get the kids involved.  We knew it would be overwhelming to have them involved in the service but thought it was important to have them do something.  Grammy would have wanted that and it was important to the kids.

ML's aunt used to take them on "treasure hunts".  She would wander the beach picking on treasure. It was one of her fondest memories of her aunt.  This summer got a chance to go one one last treasure hunt with each of her grandchildren.

So, the kids put together one last treasure hunt for Grammy. We got a white canvas bag and had each of them draw a picture/ write a message on the bag. Then each one of them placed a treasure inside. Daughter painted a picture, and wrote a note on the back. Nephew had a rock form the beach where he went walking with Grammy.  Son put in his 3 best pieces of sea glass. Older Niece wrote a letter and include a picture with a doll that Grammy had given her and littlest niece had a shell.

The treasure was buried with Grammy's ashes.

Afterwards the kids all sang a lullaby that Grammy sang to them--Pigeon House.

Grammy would have been proud!

Getting Ready

ML's memorial service is this weekend.

A lot of people will be there. Two of Hubby's uncles will be coming--they were brother in laws from her first marriage.

Taking the day off to get ready.

There is a feeling in my gut--can't put my finger on it.

something is brewing.....

The real story

So Hubby comes home from his walk on Saturday and says " I have puppies on the brain. They are selling Goldendoodles down the street."

Then he walks over to the computer puts up images of Goldendoodle puppies and leaves.

But " My wife wanted a puppy" is what he tells everyone.

I am not buying it,   

are you?

Hope

What an exciting night!

YES WE CAN!!

Boy, I needed to hear that!

Introducing........

FRECKLES

The newest member of our family

Yes, we are crazy

Missing.......normal.......routine......

Everything is hard.

I start something and get distracted from something else.

The dishes are half done, the laundry is half done, the house is half picked up, the mail is half sorted.

I am missing the "new" routine that we fell into while ML was dying.

On the weekends I would stay with ML while Hubby and Bud walked the dogs.

That was our time together.

Before hospice ML would be at home, drinking coffee while the "men walked the dogs", and I would go grocery shopping--trying to get in and out before the college kids get up.

This Saturday when Hubby left to work the dogs with Bud, I burst into tears.

Now, I have only been staying with Ml during this time , what 6 weeks? That twelve times.

How does that happen? how can I miss something I did for only a short time?

Halloween

You know you are preoccupied when you realize it is Halloween and you forgot to buy candy!

Off to the store!

Flowers

Daughter and I went to the florist today to pick out flowers for ML's memorial service.

It was sad but we both were glad to do it.

We both agreed on what to buy--White lilies and purple roses.

Simple, elegant--just like ML.

And then you go back to the beginning

Grief is baffling. It is a circle or a loop.  

And it keeps going on.

About five years ago ML began to loose her memory. She wasn't able to do things she used to. 

She couldn't drive.

Her " buffers" were gone. She would say whatever came into her head and it wasn't always nice or pretty.

She forgot names, places and dates.

For a long while she could only remember things that had happened long ago. 

Anything new--gone.

During this time I was often angry and upset with ML. She was turning into the type of person she did not want to be. 

I struggled.

Do I try and embrace this person she is now or do I stay loyal to the person she was?

And then at the end this sweet, person emerged. 

She let me in.

She was kind and gentle.

She didn't always know her grandchildren BUT she did know she was someone special to them and treated them as such.

Now we left with our grief.

We grieve the sweet person she was in the end.  The one who was in pain and we are relieved she is not suffering anymore.

And slowly, very slowly, bit by bit we begin to grieve the ML we knew and loved. 

The ML she was. 

And with that, we grieve the things she lost in the last years of her life. 

And we can finally start to remember the "fun" ML.

Our Legacy

OK, I was trying to stay out of politics BUT I NEED to make this comment.

This has been a historic year for women. We had a women as a runner up for the party's ticket. We have a woman on the ticket for another party.

This is INCREDIBLE!!!! 

This was not something that could have happened 25 years ago.

We have been only allowed to vote for 88 years--yes that right.

We got here by working hard and making sacrifices.  We got here because we are qualified, intelligent and hard working. 

We got here on the sweat and backs of hockey grandmothers.

We need to tell this legacy to our daughters. 

We need to be role models for them. 

We need to set an example for them.

We need to to let them know that they don't have to act cute/ not smart/ wink at the camera  to be listened too or taken seriously.

We need to tell our legacy. 

We need to respect the work that has been done.

We need to honor the women who have gone before them.

The Signal

Son came up with  a signal.

Right before ML died he went to her house to talk to her. 

She had already slipped into a coma type state but the hospice worker assured him Grammy could hear.

He got scared and asked me to do it....so I did.

I told her the Son wanted to have a signal between them so he would know she was thinking of him in heaven.  The signal was a beautiful, sunny day in which Son could play outside all day. 

The next morning I told him Grammy had died during the night. He got sad, cried , and said 

" I am so glad we told her about the signal".

Two days later we are running errands and Son stops.  He looks around and gasps.

" It is a beautiful day " he exclaimed. He started to cry.

And then, as if on cue, a swarm of birds fly by.

" Oh, Grammy loved birds!

She letting us know she has arrived in Heaven and she is ok!"

He turned and smiled at me.

Then he took my hand and skipped  a few steps.

" She's ok!" he whispered.

And so it starts....

We started going through ML stuff. 

Joy her friend and caregiver (friend first then caregiver) and I divided up her jewelry.

ML had told me about some pieces and who she wanted them to go to.

ML had told Joy about other pieces.

It was emotional at first, and then I wanted to make sure it was fair.

Joy blew me away when she said there were pieces for the daughter-in-laws.

She gave me a chain and bracelet that ML  wore all the time.  

It felt funny when Joy gave it to me.  I felt overwhelmed, sad and self conscience. 

When I got home I showed Hubby and broke into tears.

I did not realize that having something she loved and wore would feel so comforting and sad  at the same time. 

It is comforting because I know what it meant to her. 

It is sad because she is not wearing it. 

It is all mixed up--

I am crying as I write...

I just miss her.....

ML

ML left us yesterday.

She was at home, just as she wanted.

She will be missed by all who knew her.

ML Update #3

She hasn't eaten in three days.

I have taken the week off ,

I feel like this where I need to be.

She looks peaceful. She response when you touch her, but doesn't keep her eyes open for more than a few seconds.

She likes it when you put lotion on her face and legs.

They say it will be days.

ML Update #2

She is not eating. 

I managed to get 4 spoonfuls of yogurt in her in the morning.  That's  all she has had in 2 days.

She sleeps all the time.

The kids saw her and were upset.   " That's not Grammy"

The night hospice nurse says it will be days.

ML Update

ML fell yesterday.

She spent the day at the hospital. She broke her hip.

They sent her home with a morphine pump.

She is confined to bed and pretty much out of it.

FW

I have been a fair weather fan.

Normally, I watch every game and know every play and player... ( when did Kotsay start?)

Normally, I am glued to the TV.  I yell and cheer.

Normally, I can't wait to get to school and discuss the game with the custodians.

But not this year.

This year I fall asleep soon after I sit down to watch the game.

This year the custodians have stopped asking me about the games.

And on Thursday night I went to bed when the score was 5 to 0. 

When Hubby told me that they had won 8-7 in the ninth, I DID NOT Believe him.

I have  forgotten to BELIEVE.

That is until today.  

Today it was back. 

Today the custodians discussed the game with me. ( they went to bed too)

Today there was hope. 

Today we talked about how we have been there before and we can do it again.

Today, we were Red Sox fans.  

Down but not out!

Thank you Red Sox Nation for giving me something to believe in.  

This year,more than any other,  I really need that.

Halloween

It is Halloween !   

Every holiday I bring out the kids artwork and hang it up.

I borrowed the idea from ML's sister. 

I thought it was great that even when her kids were in college,  their ghosts, witches and pumpkins adorned the cupboards in the kitchen.

Daughter's ghost  has been on our front door for nine years now.

Son's pumpkin man found a home on the pantry door two years ago.

Suze said to make sure to put the date and grade on each piece. 

 

The Final Outfit

Yesterday I went to the Funeral Parlor and picked out an urn for ML. 

I wanted it to be just right.  

 

It is the final outfit. I helped her pick out her wedding dress. She helped me pick out mine. 

She brought me my engagement dress, my wedding nightgown and going away outfit. 

We have been on HUNDREDS of shopping trips together. 

and now we are at the final one. 

I felt sad and grateful. 

Sad it was the last one.

Grateful that I knew what she would want. 

and very blessed that Bud trusted me to do this for her.

   

Baby Alice

 While taking a walk one day she spotted her in the garden. 

" Look Mummy, it is Baby Alice !, " exclaimed then two year Daughter.

She lovingly bent over and scooped her up into her arms.

I leaned over to see what she picked up and discovered it was a............ rock.

" No, it is Baby Alice,"said Daughter.

She took Baby Alice home, gave her a bath, made her some clothes and played with everyday for years.

Baby Alice went to preschool show and tell, she went to Maine on our vacations, she went for rides in the baby carriage. She was sung to, read to and attended Tea Parties.

The only place Baby Alice was not allowed was in Daughter's bed.( I was afraid she might get hurt if she rolled on her in the middle of the night)

We made her a little bed that Daughter tucked her into each night.

When we moved to the Happy Valley--daughter was then 8, Baby Alice was given a special box to be packed in. 

Today Baby Alice sits on Daughter's desk and every once in a while,when I say Good Night to Daughter, I give it a pat when I walk by.

Fall in the Happy Valley

Above view from the front yard

Left view from back yard

Happy Valley in all it's glory

BEAUTIFUL

ML's party was beautiful!

ML was more present then she had been in months!   

People who knew her from all parts of her life were there. Friends from grade school, friends from when her kids were growing up, friends from now, friends from a small church group she belonged to, and her family. 

It was a beautiful New England day. In  the low 70's, sunny. The trees were at peak.  Just beautiful.

ML looked beautiful. I helped her pick out her outfit and get her dressed. She knew what she wanted. She was clear and made sense when she talked. The most important thing was to wear a piece of jewelry from Bud. She chose a beautiful pearl pin.

Just before the party, we walked around outside. She stopped and got teary eyed. I told her that all she had to do was take in every one's love. Everyone was coming because they loved her.

She turned to me and said. " That's the hard part."  I hugged her.

Throughout the day she said real good byes to people. She held them tight and cried.  

She was able to ask her Bud when she needed him. She leaned on him.  It was a beautiful sight. They were a couple, they were affectionate, they were doing what they had planned to do. It may have been the last plan they made together.

Bud's children were there. They were wonderful, kind,caring and helpful.  It was clear that they care for ML and knew how much this was hurting their dad. 

Bud's son Bob reached out to Daughter and was so sweet and gentle. Daughter started to cry with all the goodbyes. Bob told her that today was about showing Grammy how much we care about her and being grateful that we have a chance to do that. We will have a chance to cry and be sad later but now about was about being grateful that we have Grammy.

I started this post with the title THE PARTY, but I changed it to Beautiful.

The party was Beautiful! 

and so was ML

PARTY

Bud is throwing a party for ML.

Family and friends are in town; including Queen Mom

Will write more tomorrow.

Affair

A friend of  mine is seeing a married man.  She says that is ok because they have not done it.

They meet after work, have drinks and fool around.

She is married too.

She has been in a loveless, sexless marriage for years now.  They have not had sex in 14 years. The sight of her husband disgusts her.

So she started fooling around with this married guy --who has said his wife comes first.  

She says she is just craving physical touch and affection.

She says she not emotionally involved with him so it is ok.

She is buying sexy underwear.

This can't end well can it?

What I don't understand is why doesn't she just leave her marriage and find an available man?

Why is she settling for less?

Did I mention that he is seeing another woman too?

We are in Trouble

One morning last spring, Son march downstairs stuck out his hand and announced" You owe me a dollar , there is no tooth fairy!"

Son lost his tooth , put it under his pillow and DID NOT TELL US!!!

Fast forward to this past weekend.

Hubby was driving Son home from soccer when Son announced that he did not think Santa or the Easter bunny were real. 

" Why?" asked Hubby.

"A fat man going around the world in one night--I am not buying it," said Son.

Hubby suggested that he might want to reconsider this since presents were involved.

Son replied, " What do you want me to 55 years old, still living at home and believing in Santa Claus?"

Yes, he is only seven.

No Flour Peanut Butter Cookies

Here in the Happy Valley we have many friends who are gluton free( no flour).

Luckily I found a flour less Peanut Butter Cookie Recipe that is 

YUMMY!!!!!!!!!!--

and easy

What you need:

1 cup of crunchy peanut butter

1 cup of sugar

1 egg

( yep that is it)

Dump everything  into a bowl. Mix well.  Roll into small balls place on non stick cooking pan.

Cris cross with a fork. 

Place in 350 degree oven for 15 minutes--or until hard.

Done!!!

Very yummy!!!

No Post Today

Went out to dinner with friends last night.

No post today!

Wondering Out Loud#3

We have been surrounded by death lately--not sure why that is--a blog for another time... But I am wondering about the different ways death comes to us.

ML is dying little by little each day. Everyday something else has gone and she looks more vacant than the day before. She will have moments when she is present but each day it is a little less than the day before. I spoke to my minister  ( V)about this. She took care of her brother as he died from AIDS and she was a Hospice Chaplain.  

V explained that this is a busy time for ML. She is preparing for a journey and has one foot in this world and one foot in another. 

Well, that made sense. ML has been having conversations with people we can't see. She is listening to someone. She nods her heads, smiles and answers questions out loud.

When ML is present she asked about her middle son . ML worried a lot about him and was worried he would never find happiness--well he has.  I keep telling her he is fine, her job with him is done. 

I was talking to Hubby about this last night and he got  upset.

" What happens to the people that don't  do this work?"

Hubby's youngest brother killed himself in April, his dad died suddenly in May from a heart attack, and our friend Bruce was told a week before he died that he was dying.  

They did not do this work.

I didn't have an answer  but it got me wondering..... What does happen when you die suddenly?

Wondering Out Loud #2

Did you ever notice how when something is on your mind it keeps coming up?

ML is dying and the words death and die keep appearing in my speech.

I am dying for some chocolate.  She would die for her. He loves her to death. 

I noticed the same thing when S died.

Wall

Hit overload yesterday.

Taking the day off.

Terrible Accident

The School called today. There had  been a terrible accident.

While waiting with his sister for the bus, a 2 yr. old boy ran out into the street and was struck and killed by the bus.

I can't imagine !  

The  family/  sister/  bus driver/ kids on the bus/ ....how are they?

You wake up, give your kids breakfast. Walk to the bus stop and WHAM.......

Life as you know it is over.

Prayers ,  lots of prayers

Wondering Out Loud

ML was the type of woman that when she walked into a room she owned it. She would be dressed to the nines and would catch the eye of more than one man in the room.  

If it happened to your man was checking her out,  that was ok. 

She was not overly concerned about what you thought.

Like the time she wore a see through dress with a nude slip under it. Her sister in law was shocked and asked what she was wearing underneath it. 

She smiled and said,  " Use your imagination".

Today she seems  to prefer the company of women.

When I can step away from the emotions and look at the situation  it is fascinating. 

Why does she prefer the company of woman now?  Is it because she looking for a mother to comfort her? 

Or, are woman more sensitive in these situations?  

( Don't get me wrong ; her husband Bud,  is wonderful with her. ) 

I have been amazed at what I have been able to do for her. 

How did I know to read her children stories?  

How did I know to help her meditate?

How did I know to tell her it was ok that she wasn't making any sense, her body was just  over tired?

And...

Why did she listen to me and not fight me? 

 

Does she know it is ME talking to her or does she think I am just someone who is caring for her?

I am just wondering......

Birthday Wishes

My niece turns 3 today,  and I am angry.

I am angry that her dad is not here to be a part of the celebration. 

I am angry that her dad won't be here to read her stories at night.

I am angry that her mom is left to plan the rest of her birthday celebrations by herself.

I am angry that my niece won't remember her Daddy.

and.........

I am angry at her Dad.  

Her Dad had a disease that slowly took him away from his family.  

He had a stinking Dis Ease that did not allow him to see that he had choices.  

He thought the only way  out was to take his life.

I am angry that the medical professional did not know how to help him.

I wish he was here to be a Daddy to his little girl.

I wish he was here to say Happy Birthday.

I wish he was here to tuck her in and kiss her good night.

I wish he knew there was another answer.

ARRGGGGGGGGGG

I feel like I am in limbo land.

Nothing is" normal".  

There is no routine.  

Everything seems to revolve around ML dying. 

It permeates everything!

I want my routine back. I want normal back. 

I am tired of seeing sad faces on those I care about. 

I am tired of the disconnect that happens when people are so overwhelmed they can barely function.

I want to be normal again!--There I said it!

Now................. I am totally overwhelmed with guilt. 

Our routine will return when ML leaves us. 

I don't want her to leave us  but...... in some ways she has. 

The woman who stares at me with vacant eyes is not ML. 

I don't know that person and she does not know me. I care about her but don't know her.

I feel so lost. -------------I feel so guilty.

I don't want ML to die---I just want to be normal again.

Sue

Everybody needs a Sue in their life.

A week after Daughter was born I hit the wall. Exhausted and overwhelmed. 

Sue came over, put me to bed. I woke up 3 hours later to a clean house, clean sleeping baby and a turkey dinner in the oven!  I still tear up when I think about it.

There was more than one time I called  her up and told her I was sick and Hubby was on the road. I did not know what to do with Daughter. Sue would be over in 20 minutes, and take Daughter for the night. One time she slept Daughter in a dresser drawer because she did not have the  pack and play.

Fast forward to present:

Daughter is turning 13, her Grammy is dying, I have Open House at MY school and Hubby has to go to Open House at Daughter's school.  

This was HER special day and no one would be here to help celebrate. 

Entered  Sue.

" No problem she says. "

Sue took both kids out to Daughter's favorite restaurant--Chili's. 

She picked up a birthday cake and reminded us all to sing Happy Birthday to her before she went to bed.

I am so blessed to have Sue in my life. My life and the lives  of my kids have  been enriched by having Sue in our lives.

Thank you Sue !

 I love you!

13!!!!

Daughter turned 13 today!  

A teenager! 

I remember when she was born the song "Butterfly Kisses" came out.  

The first I heard it I burst into tears.

Today I realized she half way through the song!!!

I remember people telling me to enjoy this time-- it goes too fast. At the time I was over tired and overwhelmed.  

All I wanted was a good night sleep.

What I wouldn't give for one more night of snuggling her on my lap.  

Where did the time go?

Did I tell you she is 13 ?  Half the age I was when I got married?

When I look at her she is still my little girl ( don't tell her that).

HOW/ WHEN did this happen?  

My commute

" Damn this traffic jam.By the time I get home my supper's be cold. Damn this traffic jam!"JT

James Taylor's song has no meaning here in the Happy Valley. I have a beautiful, stress free commute.

I leave school and wind around a mountain. 

Next I cross over a river, creep through peaceful, sleepy town nestled next to the river. 

After a few miles I pass an alpaca farm, several streams and a few dairy farms.

From there I climb back up the hill that leads to my road. 

I turn down my tree lined road. Several houses play peek a boo with breath taking views of the valley.

At last I turn in my driveway .

This is home. 

Parenting Mistake #7,842

Son likes to REMIND me of the things I do wrong. ( aren't 7 year old boys wonderful?)

Today he reminded me of his Baseball camp experience.  He attended Baseball camp for a week in July. He was very excited and loved it. 

Well he loved MOST  of it.

" Why did you pack me goldfish crackers for a snack?" asked Son.

" Because you LOVE  goldfish crackers " I replied sweetly.  (I was sure a big Thank you was coming...)

" Baseball player DO NOT eat goldfish crackers!" stated Son. " It was humiliating!!!  "

I Blew it AGAIN!!

Good Bye Summer

So long days at the pool, grilling, playing at the beach, suntans, flashlight tag , camp, roasting marsh mellows, sleeping in.

Hello to:

Cool nights, warm day, colorful leaves, football games, soccer games, fires in the fireplace,leaf peepers, apple picking, carving pumpkins and Halloween.

Red sky at night

Sailor's Delight

Sunset in the Happy Valley

Why is Gulliver Barking?!

Gulliver ( our dog) needed to go out and do his business. Son let him out.

A few minutes later Gulliver returned and started barking.  Son let him in.

Gulliver kept barking.  I yelled from the other room

" Why is he still barking?"

Daughter yelled" Don't let him out!  There is a bear in the back yard!"

I went to the window and sure enough 20 feet from the house was a black bear.

It walked across our back yard, crossed the street, and through the neighbors yard to an open field.

A Black Bear.  

I called hubby at work.

" Did you take a picture?" he asked.

I was to stunned to even think about a camera.

A Battle Won

My department head spoke to the principal today.  She won her over.

JT will get his reading services.

I will sleep tonight.

Isn't that what we are paid to do?!

We got a reading grant at my school. Four of us were chosen to take this grad course on teaching dyslexic children how to read.

One of my colleagues( LO) asked for assistance in choosing a student. I suggested JT. Great kid, hard worker but has a hard time reading. When I got him years ago he was reading like this 

Kah-ah-TTT. ----- Yes he was in the 6th grade.

When he left me last year he could sixth grade words but it took him a very long time. 

He worked hard and was very motivated.

This year he is in the high school. The teacher he has now refuses to work on reading with him.

I thought he would be a perfect student to work with LO.  

I went to my department head got permission. Talk to JT  he LOVED the idea.  Called his mom --she cried and agreed.

I was thrilled. I had been so worried about him.

JT's current teacher ( the one that won't teach him to read) went to the principal and complained!  

She doesn't want him pulled from her class. She said he won't get the proper English credits to graduate. 

GRADUATE!!!!  

 HE NEEDS TO LEARN HOW TO READ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The principal called me.

SHE WAS UPSET WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She will try and fix this but I made a mess of this.  

I made a mess of this because I want the kids to learn to read?!!!!!!!

 

Who knows

Was with ML yesterday. While sitting with her she started talking nonsense. Then she turned to me and asked where Suze went. I asked her if she meant her sister and she said yes.

I told her Suze had died and as soon as it came out of my mouth I KNEW it was the wrong thing to say.

ML started to cry and looked sad and scared. 

I moved closer to her and hugged her.  

I told her that Suze really loved her and if there was a way she could help her right now she would. I told her if she was seeing and hearing Suze that she should take comfort in that. Maybe Suze was there and holding her and helping her. We really don't know what happens when people cross over. 

She relaxed . She took a deep breath. She smiled and said Thank you.

Wait for it...Good News

In the sea of all this sadness and grief comes good news.

Right after S ( Hubby's brother) died a good friend of ours ( Johnny) got sick with tongue cancer.

I did not know you could get tongue cancer but you can.  (Yet another reason not to smoke.)

We were worried.We said prayers.  The kids sent cards. He did his treatment.

He came out to see us a few weeks ago. 

Thinner than before. 

Eating through a tube, and unable to swallow. 

By the end of his visit he was in a lot of pain, but very grateful to be alive.

Today he called. The docs at gave him a clean bill of health.

Finally a battle we won!

Normal... what is that?

I get up, I check my emails.  Any word?

I go to work and I check my cell phone every hour. Any word?

I leave work and check in with Hubby. Any word?

I stop by to visit ML on the way home. I worry J.

J  is our friend, a member of the family and takes care of ML.  

"You don't normally do that, " J replies.

I come home and I try to our normal things. 

I help Daughter with homework. It takes longer. It is hard to think she says. That is not normal.

I spend time with Son. He is full of questions.  "What will happen when Grammy dies? How long will she be alive?  Did she forget how to walk is that why she has a wheelchair now?"

Are these questions normal?

I go to pilates class. I can't focus. My pilates teacher is gentle and kind. I feel like crying. That is not normal.

I check my emails. I update people. What is the latest word?

Will Hubby be home for dinner or will he go straight to his moms? It is normal for him not be home for dinner these days. 

Daughter calls him. Don't worry about me he says. That is his normal reply.

I ask her how Daddy sounds. She replies ,

"Normal... or least as normal as he has sounded lately. "

..... what is normal?  And ...

will things ever be normal again? And ...

what will that look and feel like?

Changing of the Guard

ML was a little better today.

We all went to see her. 

Son walked right in, gave her a hug and started talking.

Daughter was nervous. ML knew this and gave her space.

Little by slow Daughter became comfortable. After about an hour she would wander in and sit and chat with her all by herself.

Dinner time came. ML needs help feeding herself.  Daughter helped  her. 

I stood in the doorway and watched my daughter feed her grandmother. She was comfortable. She was patience. She was chatting.  She was kind. She was caring. All the things her grandmother had been with her when she used to feed her.

ML was beaming.

I teared up.

And I knew this is a moment Daughter would never forget.

 

An Unexpected Gift

I had a dream the other night. 

I dreamt my mother in law's( ML) uncle came to visit me. He wanted her to know he was there. Then he told me,   to tell ML what I needed to tell her. 

Then I woke up.

I have learned to listen to my dreams and not question them.

ML is dying. She is in the care of hospice. 

Hubby called yesterday to say that this mom's condition had changed. I went to see her.

I sat with her while she slept and when she woke up she seemed to know me. She said she had a bad dream.    I took  my opportunity.  

I told her I had a dream about her Uncle Dan and he wanted her to know he was there.  She stopped and then smiled. A real smile.  

"He is strong," she said. 

 I said he was there if she needed him.

I went on. I told her I knew her stories and I will tell her stories to her grandchildren. I thanked her for taking me in to her family. I thank her for being kind to me. I told her I loved her and then I hugged her.

She hugged me back. A real hug.

We both cried and then she asked me to tell her one of her stories.  And I did.

I was given a gift. In the midst of all this pain, I was given a gift.

Thank you.

Crock Pots--not crack pots

It must be that  time of year. Several blogs I follow are making Crock Pot dinners. I thought I would join in. Today I am making Moma's losin' it meatballs.

Tomorrow's menu will be Roast Beast. I am not using Queen mom recipe-though it looked good.  I am using Trader's Joes.   

If any of you have a TJ near you get their Cabernet Beef Pot Roast.  Crock pot directions right on the package. I add carrots and mushrooms  and then roast can potatoes in the oven--Family favorite.

I think the TJ roast beef tastes a bit like the pot roast dinner at the Liberty Tree Tavern in Disney World.

My new plan is to make 2 big dinners on the weekend and serve the leftovers during the week.

We will see how that goes.

7 years ago.

Silence 

That what I recall most. We lived under the flight path to Logan Airport and there were no flights for 5 days.

Silence when I walked the dog.

Silence when I went to sleep.

Silence when I woke.

Loud,  isolating , silence.

A few nights later we gathered at the end of road. 

We lined up along the Blvd. 

The Blvd. that was next to the beach that over looked the airport.  

The silent airport.

We held candles.  We looked and felt helpless.

Then Daughter ( 6 yrs old) started singing  "My country 'tis of thee".

People started joining in.  

Everyone started singing.  

We held hands. 

We embraced.

The silence was broken. 

We had made a connection.

We started to heal.

Safe

Son came down last night after I had tucked him in. He was sobbing and said he had a bad dream.

After he cuddled with me on the couch, he said he had "kindof" a dream. And then he said he didn't feel safe.

The words ripped my heart open. And I did not know what to say.

He has been through a lot. His uncle died in April, his Papa died in May, a good friend died in August and his Grammy is dying. ( hospice was called in this week).

What do you say a 7 year that has had so much lost?

I put a mattress on the floor in our room. I told him to get his cow, Red Sox bear and Spotty. ( stuffed animals) I put Gulliver's ( our dog) bed next to the mattress. I told him Daddy and I were right there.

I didn't know what else to do.

It is my job to keep him safe. I can't control what is happening or has happened.

I felt helpless. I felt let down by the universe.

I just want him to feel safe.

DUH...

I don't like housework. 

I am not good at housework. 

I like a clean house but I am not very good at it.

For years I have tried to keep the kitchen clean  but I can't keep it up. 

The ritual. Come home from work. Clean the kitchen, load dirty dishes, make dinner. After dinner put what I can in the dishwasher, run it call it a night.  In the morning maneuver around the dirty dishes that didn't make it into the dishwasher.

But now something has shifted. I get home from work and unload the dishwasher. Then I put the  breakfast dishes in the dishwasher. When I make dinner I clean up as I go. After dinner the kids clear their dishes and load them in the dishwasher. Then I wipe down counters and run dishwasher before I go to bed. In the morning  I wake up to clean counters. When I come home counters are clean .   ( see how clean they are?)

It is a miracle!  It is like the universe has shifted!

I wonder how long it will last?

Thank God for Frogs

Our first night in the Happy Valley was very strange. It was quiet. Very quiet. Too quiet. 

We could not sleep. 

Our old house was next to a very busy street and we were used to hearing cars roar by all night long. 

Here in the Happy Valley; nothing. SILENCE. Total silence. 

This went on for several nights. Then the tree frogs started.

Thank goodness!  Now I could sleep. There was finally noise!