Friday, October 31, 2008

Halloween

You know you are preoccupied when you realize it is Halloween and you forgot to buy candy!

Off to the store!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Flowers

Daughter and I went to the florist today to pick out flowers for ML's memorial service.

It was sad but we both were glad to do it.

We both agreed on what to buy--White lilies and purple roses.

Simple, elegant--just like ML.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

And then you go back to the beginning

Grief is baffling. It is a circle or a loop.  

And it keeps going on.

About five years ago ML began to loose her memory. She wasn't able to do things she used to. 
She couldn't drive.
Her " buffers" were gone. She would say whatever came into her head and it wasn't always nice or pretty.
She forgot names, places and dates.
For a long while she could only remember things that had happened long ago. 
Anything new--gone.

During this time I was often angry and upset with ML. She was turning into the type of person she did not want to be. 

I struggled.
Do I try and embrace this person she is now or do I stay loyal to the person she was?

And then at the end this sweet, person emerged. 
She let me in.
She was kind and gentle.
She didn't always know her grandchildren BUT she did know she was someone special to them and treated them as such.

Now we left with our grief.
We grieve the sweet person she was in the end.  The one who was in pain and we are relieved she is not suffering anymore.

And slowly, very slowly, bit by bit we begin to grieve the ML we knew and loved. 
The ML she was. 

And with that, we grieve the things she lost in the last years of her life. 
And we can finally start to remember the "fun" ML.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Our Legacy

OK, I was trying to stay out of politics BUT I NEED to make this comment.

This has been a historic year for women. We had a women as a runner up for the party's ticket. We have a woman on the ticket for another party.

This is INCREDIBLE!!!! 

This was not something that could have happened 25 years ago.
We have been only allowed to vote for 88 years--yes that right.

We got here by working hard and making sacrifices.  We got here because we are qualified, intelligent and hard working. 

We got here on the sweat and backs of hockey grandmothers.

We need to tell this legacy to our daughters. 
We need to be role models for them. 

We need to set an example for them.

We need to to let them know that they don't have to act cute/ not smart/ wink at the camera  to be listened too or taken seriously.

We need to tell our legacy. 

We need to respect the work that has been done.

We need to honor the women who have gone before them.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

The Signal

Son came up with  a signal.

Right before ML died he went to her house to talk to her. 

She had already slipped into a coma type state but the hospice worker assured him Grammy could hear.

He got scared and asked me to do it....so I did.

I told her the Son wanted to have a signal between them so he would know she was thinking of him in heaven.  The signal was a beautiful, sunny day in which Son could play outside all day. 

The next morning I told him Grammy had died during the night. He got sad, cried , and said 
" I am so glad we told her about the signal".

Two days later we are running errands and Son stops.  He looks around and gasps.

" It is a beautiful day " he exclaimed. He started to cry.

And then, as if on cue, a swarm of birds fly by.

" Oh, Grammy loved birds!
She letting us know she has arrived in Heaven and she is ok!"

He turned and smiled at me.

Then he took my hand and skipped  a few steps.

" She's ok!" he whispered.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

And so it starts....

We started going through ML stuff. 

Joy her friend and caregiver (friend first then caregiver) and I divided up her jewelry.

ML had told me about some pieces and who she wanted them to go to.
ML had told Joy about other pieces.

It was emotional at first, and then I wanted to make sure it was fair.

Joy blew me away when she said there were pieces for the daughter-in-laws.

She gave me a chain and bracelet that ML  wore all the time.  

It felt funny when Joy gave it to me.  I felt overwhelmed, sad and self conscience. 

When I got home I showed Hubby and broke into tears.

I did not realize that having something she loved and wore would feel so comforting and sad  at the same time. 
It is comforting because I know what it meant to her. 
It is sad because she is not wearing it. 
It is all mixed up--
I am crying as I write...

I just miss her.....

Thursday, October 23, 2008

ML


ML left us yesterday.
She was at home, just as she wanted.
She will be missed by all who knew her.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

ML Update #3

She hasn't eaten in three days.

I have taken the week off ,

I feel like this where I need to be.

She looks peaceful. She response when you touch her, but doesn't keep her eyes open for more than a few seconds.

She likes it when you put lotion on her face and legs.

They say it will be days.


Monday, October 20, 2008

ML Update #2

She is not eating. 

I managed to get 4 spoonfuls of yogurt in her in the morning.  That's  all she has had in 2 days.

She sleeps all the time.


The kids saw her and were upset.   " That's not Grammy"

The night hospice nurse says it will be days.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

ML Update

ML fell yesterday.

She spent the day at the hospital. She broke her hip.

They sent her home with a morphine pump.

She is confined to bed and pretty much out of it.

Friday, October 17, 2008

FW


I have been a fair weather fan.

Normally, I watch every game and know every play and player... ( when did Kotsay start?)

Normally, I am glued to the TV.  I yell and cheer.

Normally, I can't wait to get to school and discuss the game with the custodians.


But not this year.

This year I fall asleep soon after I sit down to watch the game.

This year the custodians have stopped asking me about the games.


And on Thursday night I went to bed when the score was 5 to 0. 

When Hubby told me that they had won 8-7 in the ninth, I DID NOT Believe him.

I have  forgotten to BELIEVE.

That is until today.  

Today it was back. 
Today the custodians discussed the game with me. ( they went to bed too)
Today there was hope. 
Today we talked about how we have been there before and we can do it again.
Today, we were Red Sox fans.  
Down but not out!

Thank you Red Sox Nation for giving me something to believe in.  

This year,more than any other,  I really need that.


Thursday, October 16, 2008

Halloween















It is Halloween !   

Every holiday I bring out the kids artwork and hang it up.

I borrowed the idea from ML's sister. 

I thought it was great that even when her kids were in college,  their ghosts, witches and pumpkins adorned the cupboards in the kitchen.

Daughter's ghost  has been on our front door for nine years now.

Son's pumpkin man found a home on the pantry door two years ago.

Suze said to make sure to put the date and grade on each piece. 
 

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

The Final Outfit

Yesterday I went to the Funeral Parlor and picked out an urn for ML. 

I wanted it to be just right.  
 
It is the final outfit. I helped her pick out her wedding dress. She helped me pick out mine. 

She brought me my engagement dress, my wedding nightgown and going away outfit. 

We have been on HUNDREDS of shopping trips together. 

and now we are at the final one. 

I felt sad and grateful. 
Sad it was the last one.
Grateful that I knew what she would want. 

and very blessed that Bud trusted me to do this for her.
   

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Baby Alice

 While taking a walk one day she spotted her in the garden. 
" Look Mummy, it is Baby Alice !, " exclaimed then two year Daughter.

She lovingly bent over and scooped her up into her arms.

I leaned over to see what she picked up and discovered it was a............ rock.

" No, it is Baby Alice,"said Daughter.

She took Baby Alice home, gave her a bath, made her some clothes and played with everyday for years.

Baby Alice went to preschool show and tell, she went to Maine on our vacations, she went for rides in the baby carriage. She was sung to, read to and attended Tea Parties.

The only place Baby Alice was not allowed was in Daughter's bed.( I was afraid she might get hurt if she rolled on her in the middle of the night)

We made her a little bed that Daughter tucked her into each night.

When we moved to the Happy Valley--daughter was then 8, Baby Alice was given a special box to be packed in. 

Today Baby Alice sits on Daughter's desk and every once in a while,when I say Good Night to Daughter, I give it a pat when I walk by.


Monday, October 13, 2008

Fall in the Happy Valley


Above view from the front yard

Left view from back yard


Happy Valley in all it's glory

BEAUTIFUL

ML's party was beautiful!

ML was more present then she had been in months!   
People who knew her from all parts of her life were there. Friends from grade school, friends from when her kids were growing up, friends from now, friends from a small church group she belonged to, and her family. 

It was a beautiful New England day. In  the low 70's, sunny. The trees were at peak.  Just beautiful.

ML looked beautiful. I helped her pick out her outfit and get her dressed. She knew what she wanted. She was clear and made sense when she talked. The most important thing was to wear a piece of jewelry from Bud. She chose a beautiful pearl pin.

Just before the party, we walked around outside. She stopped and got teary eyed. I told her that all she had to do was take in every one's love. Everyone was coming because they loved her.

She turned to me and said. " That's the hard part."  I hugged her.

Throughout the day she said real good byes to people. She held them tight and cried.  

She was able to ask her Bud when she needed him. She leaned on him.  It was a beautiful sight. They were a couple, they were affectionate, they were doing what they had planned to do. It may have been the last plan they made together.

Bud's children were there. They were wonderful, kind,caring and helpful.  It was clear that they care for ML and knew how much this was hurting their dad. 

Bud's son Bob reached out to Daughter and was so sweet and gentle. Daughter started to cry with all the goodbyes. Bob told her that today was about showing Grammy how much we care about her and being grateful that we have a chance to do that. We will have a chance to cry and be sad later but now about was about being grateful that we have Grammy.

I started this post with the title THE PARTY, but I changed it to Beautiful.

The party was Beautiful! 

and so was ML



Sunday, October 12, 2008

PARTY

Bud is throwing a party for ML.

Family and friends are in town; including Queen Mom

Will write more tomorrow.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Affair

A friend of  mine is seeing a married man.  She says that is ok because they have not done it.

They meet after work, have drinks and fool around.

She is married too.

She has been in a loveless, sexless marriage for years now.  They have not had sex in 14 years. The sight of her husband disgusts her.

So she started fooling around with this married guy --who has said his wife comes first.  

She says she is just craving physical touch and affection.

She says she not emotionally involved with him so it is ok.

She is buying sexy underwear.

This can't end well can it?

What I don't understand is why doesn't she just leave her marriage and find an available man?

Why is she settling for less?

Did I mention that he is seeing another woman too?

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

We are in Trouble

One morning last spring, Son march downstairs stuck out his hand and announced" You owe me a dollar , there is no tooth fairy!"

Son lost his tooth , put it under his pillow and DID NOT TELL US!!!

Fast forward to this past weekend.
Hubby was driving Son home from soccer when Son announced that he did not think Santa or the Easter bunny were real. 
" Why?" asked Hubby.

"A fat man going around the world in one night--I am not buying it," said Son.

Hubby suggested that he might want to reconsider this since presents were involved.

Son replied, " What do you want me to 55 years old, still living at home and believing in Santa Claus?"

Yes, he is only seven.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

No Flour Peanut Butter Cookies

Here in the Happy Valley we have many friends who are gluton free( no flour).

Luckily I found a flour less Peanut Butter Cookie Recipe that is 

YUMMY!!!!!!!!!!--
and easy

What you need:
1 cup of crunchy peanut butter
1 cup of sugar
1 egg
( yep that is it)

Dump everything  into a bowl. Mix well.  Roll into small balls place on non stick cooking pan.
Cris cross with a fork. 
Place in 350 degree oven for 15 minutes--or until hard.

Done!!!
Very yummy!!!



No Post Today

Went out to dinner with friends last night.

No post today!

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Wondering Out Loud#3

We have been surrounded by death lately--not sure why that is--a blog for another time... But I am wondering about the different ways death comes to us.

ML is dying little by little each day. Everyday something else has gone and she looks more vacant than the day before. She will have moments when she is present but each day it is a little less than the day before. I spoke to my minister  ( V)about this. She took care of her brother as he died from AIDS and she was a Hospice Chaplain.  
V explained that this is a busy time for ML. She is preparing for a journey and has one foot in this world and one foot in another. 

Well, that made sense. ML has been having conversations with people we can't see. She is listening to someone. She nods her heads, smiles and answers questions out loud.

When ML is present she asked about her middle son . ML worried a lot about him and was worried he would never find happiness--well he has.  I keep telling her he is fine, her job with him is done. 

I was talking to Hubby about this last night and he got  upset.
" What happens to the people that don't  do this work?"
Hubby's youngest brother killed himself in April, his dad died suddenly in May from a heart attack, and our friend Bruce was told a week before he died that he was dying.  

They did not do this work.

I didn't have an answer  but it got me wondering..... What does happen when you die suddenly?

Friday, October 3, 2008

Wondering Out Loud #2

Did you ever notice how when something is on your mind it keeps coming up?

ML is dying and the words death and die keep appearing in my speech.

I am dying for some chocolate.  She would die for her. He loves her to death. 

I noticed the same thing when S died.

Wall

Hit overload yesterday.

Taking the day off.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Terrible Accident

The School called today. There had  been a terrible accident.

While waiting with his sister for the bus, a 2 yr. old boy ran out into the street and was struck and killed by the bus.

I can't imagine !  
The  family/  sister/  bus driver/ kids on the bus/ ....how are they?

You wake up, give your kids breakfast. Walk to the bus stop and WHAM.......

Life as you know it is over.

Prayers ,  lots of prayers