Purging

I started to clean the guest room AGAIN!

It is hard because I still don't know what is "safe" to throw out.

We have a Ton of Hubby's dad stuff and the estate is not settled yet.

But I started.

I stacked all the boxes.

And after asking for guidance, I started going through the boxes.

It's not done But you can walk through the room and see the floor!

Camp

We dropped Daughter off at camp yesterday.

She will be gone for a month.

She has been to this camp before--this is her 4th summer.

She wasn't nervous--she was excited.

She wanted to do all the packing herself and got very annoyed when I "doubled checked " on things.

Within a few minutes of arriving , the car was unpacked and she started to settle in.

I put things away and she move them.

I stepped back, and watched other moms having the same experience.

We ( the moms ) were doing our things, getting them settled and comfortable while...

the daughters we letting us know that this is "their" world.

Moms are not a part of this world.

This is a world where girls learn to be independent, explore and grow without the guidance of moms.

For moms, this where we step back, and trust that we have done a good job.

This is where moms stop being a mom for a month.

After about a half an hour she was unpacked and was off.

She was going from cabin to cabin, looking for friends, hugging laughing, involved.

I sat in the distance and watched.

It was clear I was no longer needed.

And so with a very quick hug I left her to her world.

A world that I am not a part of.

As we drove away I felt proud, happy and sad.

Proud that she was so independent.

Happy she was sooo happy and excited.

And sad that that I was no longer needed--

well part of me is proud that she she didn't need me.....

Graduation

Tonight is graduation at my school.

The kids I had as 7th graders my first year teaching at this school are graduating.

They have asked me to come.

They came to me reading below a 4th grade level and a string of emotional issues.

All of them are graduating.

All but 2 are going to college.

It is so rewarding to see that you have helped someone.

I am not sure I am going to get though tonight without shedding a few tears.

Congrats class of 2009!!

Thinking Aloud #9

Before last year events were defined by by happy events-birthdays, anniversaries.

Now it defined by the "last time".

The Sunday morning of Memorial Day weekend 2008--

Hubby and I sat out and had our morning coffee on the deck.

We talked about Joe--his health was not good.

It looked like he had a blood clot in his leg.

He would need help after the surgery and we had a BIG discussion about what that would entail.

Hubby called Joe--he sounded scared.

Hubby explained we had been through this with his mom and we were there to help.

He needed to move closer and he needed to let us in -let us help.

Joe listened and agreed.

Once he got through this hurtle he would come out here and look for places to live out here.

They hung up.

Hubby looked relieved and thought the call went really well.

Hubby said Joe was in pain and having trouble walking.

I called Joe back.

Did he need anything? Did he need food? I could run down some food.

No he said he was fine--really. He had steak, and veggies.

He sounded pleased that I called back.

He said he had a good talk with Hubby and he loved us.

Two days later, I called to tell him Daughter would be playing in a concert near him.

He said he would go if he felt up to it.

He thanked me for thinking of him.

He enjoyed watching Daughter play the violin.

He had a doctor's appointment the next day.

Hubby talked to him.

Things sounded ok--a clot--surgery.

The heart was ok.

The next day Hubby called--no answer.

Next day Hubby called no answer.

Hubby called me at work.

I can't get hold of Dad--

I thought he was having second thoughts about the phone call and " good talk they had".

" Do a well call", I said.

" I can't--will you?", Hubby said.

" Sure--if he going to be mad have him mad at me", I said.

I called the police at lunch and prepare for Joe to be mad at me.

Half hour later--no call back.

Police said they were still checking things out- could they have a number where I was.

My stomach lurched--this what happen with Steven.

20 minutes later my principal arrived.

Sh---, Sh--, I yelled.

How can I tell Hubby his dad is dead now too!

I called Hubby--he said he had a feeling.

I called back the police and started to make arrangements.

And then I went home to tell my children that Papa had died.

Gluten Free

Five days --gluten free.

I am feeling better!
My hives are gone.
My stomach is flatter. ( I fit into pants I didn't fit into in the fall)

I am more present.
I am happier.
I am playful--awake.
I like my family!

The eating part isn't so bad.
A day at a time.
I am eating lots of fruits and veggies.

I am learning to eat differently --and so far the kids are ok with that.

Last night dinner---
Hamburger patty( homemade) covered with mayo, tomatoes and avacado.
Homemade french fries ( sliced up potatoes, olive oil, salt roasted in the oven)
Watermelon.

All was eaten.
All were happy!

So far so good!

New England Weather

So yesterday we awoke to 31 degrees.
Today's high--80 degrees.
Tomorrow--- 90 --YEP 90!

Don't you just love the spring!

New England Weather

Frost warnings last nigh.

32 degrees this morning.

HELLO-

It May 19th!!

Hives Con't

Woke up yesterday feeling pretty good!

Took a shower--grabbed a cup of coffee.

Drove to work--got another cup of coffee.

Itchy reappear.

My arms have hive. My feet itch. My stomach itches and my legs start swelling!

My stomach is upset, I am bloated and I have a headache!

What...how...???!!!!

I ate eggs and asparagus for dinner?

Yogurt for breakfast!

Go on line --start researching.

I am lactose intolerant--I use non dairy creamer.

Non dairy creamer has gluten--who knew? It's not bread!

Back to square one all over 2 cups of coffee!!!

Hives

It started about 10 days ago. My feet itched. I looked at them they were covered in bumps.

Hmmm I thought.

The next day my legs itched. They had bumps.

I asked my friends at work. Poison Ivy they said.

I bought cream. Smothered my legs with it. Took Benedryl.

The next day more on my legs.

The day after my arms.

Soon the top of my legs were rough, raw , itchy, swelling and hot.

You could feel the heat of my skin through my pants.

Monday I went to the doctor--a week after the first scratch.

Any changes in shampoo, detergent, cream? Nope.

Any changes in diet?

Well I did a "mini cleanse" ( very Happy Valley). I was feeling sluggish bloated so I gave up flour and sugar for 3 weeks.

The bumps appeared 1 day after I started eating bread.

Doctor--" I thought that looked like celiac!"

Celiac-your body can't process glutton.

Glutton is in four, wheat, barley, rye, .... everything!

Stop eating it. Take a blood test.

Blood results back in 2 weeks.

They gave me meds.

I expected to feel well.

I felt better but not well.

I still have the chills, raw skin, swelling, welts, hives, and heat.

Whenever I get warm they reappear, stronger than before.

They have stopped spreading--they are now my torso.

It's hard to sleep. I get chilled. Cover up with a blanket. I get warm. I get welts. I itch.

And so it goes.....

I haven't even begun to think about what life will be like without flour......

Another one--not so close

It's been a little over 6 months since ML died.

Nine months since Bruce died.

Almost a year since Joe died and over a year since Steve died.

We went away as a family for a week.

We went away as a couple for a weekend.

I exhaled....

Bud always says don't exhale.

Bud's brother called this morning.

Bud's nephew died.

He died of an overdose.

I knew his nephew--but not well.

Once again I heard the pain, anger and sadness in Bud's voice.

I was catapulted back to the previous losses.

I am beginning to wonder if people are trying to exit the planet.

Several religions talk about a second coming in 2012.

Is what coming so bad that so many people are leaving now?

There doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason.

ML was sick for a long time,

Joe dropped dead,

nephew was 25,

Bruce 54--cancer of the lover--hadn't had a drink in 24 years!!

It makes you wonder.........

What exactly is God's plan......

Allergies

I am allergic to pollen, cat hair, dog hair, wool and milk.

I am ok most of the time--but in early spring I am a mess!

Running nose, watery eyes, itchy eyes,and the roof of my mouth gets itchy too.

I try to ignore it.

But after awhile I can't stand it anymore and reach for allergy medicine.

I hate allergy medicine.

I don't know what it does but whenever I take some, I can't stop eating!!!

I become a vacuum and just inhale.

I don't feel full--just hungry!!!!

YUCK!!!!

Weekend Get Away

Find a place for Son to stay for the weekend--check

Find a place for Daughter to stay for the weekend--check

Find someone to watch the dogs--check

Find someone to get Daughter to choir on Saturday--check

Find someone to drop Daughter off at her friend's house--check

Take first exam for on line course--check ( got 100)

Take second exam for on line course--check ( another 100)

Do the wash--check

Pack Son--check

Pack Daughter--check

Pack Hubby-- check

Pack self--check

Pay bills--check

Post office--check

Clean house--check

Check, check , check

Cape Cod here we come!!!!!

Petty

I would love to be able to say that all the teachers I work with treat students with special needs fairly--but I can't.

There is a core group of teachers that won't make modifications and won't teach to this population.

A friend of mine teaches the students with emotional disabilities.

He teaches them skills and strategies and slowly mainstreams them back out into regular ed.

He works with the teachers and provides them with help and guidance.

There is one teacher who refuses to help these students.

This teachers complains and shames these students.

My friend had had enough and called her on it.

He went to the administration and force her to stop discriminating.

She wasn't happy and said she wasn't done.

She is well connected in the town my friend lives in.

For the past 4 years he has coached his son's baseball team.

Last year they went to the finals.

This teacher called the head of the town rec department and blocked him coaching this year.

Can you believe how petty people can be?

DC

We took the kids to DC last week.

The weather was nice and we had a good time.

We saw Dorothy's Ruby slippers, The Capital, The White House, the monuments, and the zoo.

The zoo was the only disappointment.

While at the capital we sat in the Galley seats. The kids were excited to see our Senator. I was excited because I knew what they were discussing.

While at the Jefferson monument, we saw Marine 1 and it 3 escorts flew over--very cool.

The Arlington cemetery was humbling. The story of Robert E. Lee's house was mind blowing.

The government basically stole it from him.

A good time was had by all.

Hugging

I have noticed an increase of " hugging" among the students in my school.

Correction--among the middle schoolers.

They hug when they greet each other.

They hug when they say Good Bye.

They run after each other to give hugs.

It is not all the students--it is girls.

Girls hug girls, girls hug boys.

I have not seen boys hugging boys--they high five or bump each other.

Sometimes girls keep hugging as they walk down the hall. Kindof a hug walk thing.

When a girl and a guy are " going out together" they hold hands. They don't hug.

Sometimes a girl will drop the hand of her " boyfriend" to hug a friend and then resume hand holding.

I thought this was just happening at my school, but I saw it at Daughter's school too.

Don't get me wrong--I don't mind it--(Actually, I think it kindof sweet)

I am just wondering when it started being the norm.

Today

Rainy Day in May made a list of the things she did on one day.

I thought I'd give it a try!

I am going to use Monday because this morning was not typical!

On Monday I:

Got up

Took out the dogs

Feed the dogs

Made coffee

Checked emails and posted blog( written the night before)

Took a shower

Drank coffee

Got Daughter up

Got dressed

Drank more coffee

Got Son's snack ready

Drank coffee

Woke up hubby and got his coffee

Drank coffee

Dropped car off at garage to have brakes fixed

Meet Mel there and we drove into work together

Bought Mel a coffee as a Thank you for driving me in

Hubby called-Son sick --he will stay home with him

Arrived at school

Meet with first student--video taped lessons for class

Went to elementary school for a transition meeting

Got upset at the end of meeting--sped teacher there doesn't know what she is talking about

Went back to school-

Dropped off meeting notes

Back to classroom

Three more meetings with teachers about transition meeting

Hubby called I have to be late tomorrow he has a conference call China at 7am

Taught 1 more classes

Lunch

Taught 2 more classes

Made arrangements for students in the am

Prep for classes tomorrow

Road home with Mel

Walked in the door

Hubby hands a list of things to find for the taxes

Garage called

Hubby takes me to get car--he has to the office to get ready for conference call

Dishes

Found the things on Hubby's list

Check homework

Dinner

Put away 1/ the laundry

Made 2 phone calls

Walk dogs

Comb out Daughters hair

Watch TV--Chuck--with family

Tuck kids in

Read for 10 minutes

Fall asleep

Signs of Spring

Spring is starting to arrive in the Happy Valley.

Temps during the day are reaching 50's this week.

The Robins have returned.

The trees have buds.

It's lighter in the morning.

And the daffodils are Waking up!

Holidays

We been through Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years and some birthdays so..

Why am I having such a hard time with Easter?

Easter was the first holiday I spent with Hubby's family after we got engaged.

ML and I went shopping for Easter outfits.

I brought tulips--she hated Easter Lillies.

I helped with dinner and for the first time felt like I was part of the family.

Traditions were big with ML.

She had several for Easter.

It was at her her house that the ham dinner with fresh asparagus was served.

When we lived in the Eastern part of the state we would spend Easter weekend at her house.

The kids would wake up Easter morning to a jellybean trail that lead them to their Easter Baskets.

There would be egg hunts in her backyard.

Every year she would find at least one still hidden when she did the fall clean up.

Hubby's and Mark's birthdays are around Easter so she always including a birthday cake as part of the celebration.

This Easter we are having dinner at Mark's house.

I am bringing dessert.

I mention birthday cake and Mary's response was

" Why would we have birthday cake at Easter?"

I know we have to move now but I am having a hard time with this one.

I want a little of ML's traditions .

I thought about doing a jellybean trail but I am no sure that Freckles won't eat them.

Hmmmmm...

Who would have thought that Easter would be this difficult?

How Did I Get So Lucky?

Daughter usually gets home from school before I do.
She is old enough to be home by herself and she is responsible.

Yesterday I opened the door and there was Daughter sitting on the floor-starring back at me with a VERY GUILTY look on her face.

Thoughts went through my head--"Oh, what is this about?"

" I know I am suspose to be doing my homework but I HAVE find out how this book ends!"
"I will start my homework as soon as I finish--Ionly have 20 pages left."

Finish reading a book--she was apologizing for reading a book instead of doing her homework!

She is such a good kid!

FYI-The book was The Host by Stephanie Meyer ( Twight author)
She said the book took a little while to get into and then she couldn't put it down.

Roller Coaster Rides

I haven't been blogging.

I have written a few but I haven't posted them.

I have been waiting for today.

It could see it, feel it, dread it.

It kept marching on and I knew it would get here.

I knew it wouldn't stop. I just waited.

Today is Hubby's birthday.

I could write about that--but I can't.

Today is April Fool's Day--I could write about that--but there in nothing funny about today.

April first will forever be changed in my mind and heart.

One year ago, at 2:20 am ( will technically it was April 2nd) the phone rang.

I usually don't answer it , but I did.

It was Hubby's brother--Steven.

" Oh, Hi C . Is J there?"

" Steven it's 2:30 in the morning. We have to work tomorrow!", I replied.

Silence.

" Good bye" he said.

And then he hung up.

I went back to bed.

I lay there

Good bye.

Steven never says good bye.

The next morning Hubby had 4 text messages from Steven.

They didn't make sense.

I checked my emails-

Jules emailed to say Steve was acting up again and they had a rough night.

Steve had called her several times.

He was yelling and ranting.

Later we heard that two of Steve's friends received weird text messages from Steve.

Steve also called his mom around 11 and was told she was asleep.

He was suppose to meet Jules at 1 for an appointment.

He no showed.

Jules called his cell several times.

No answer.

Silence all day.

The next day, the same thing -- silence.

On the third day Jules drove by his house.

His car was there.

She called the police.

They did a well check.

But all was not well.

Steven had killed himself.

He had been dead for several days.

The was April 4th-Jay's brother Mark's birthday.

And so started the Roller Coaster ride.

Within SIX months only 1 brother ( Mark) would be still be alive from Hubby's family.

By all accounts I was the last one to speak to Steven--I think about that more than I care admit.

I feel like we didn't have a chance to mourn Steven.

That even though it was been a year--

---a whole year--

We didn't get a chance to truly experience a year without Steven because the loss of Joe, Gena and Bruce, got in the way.

And so I sit.

I brace myself.

Will we get a chance to truly mourn Steven or will something else get in the way--I wonder.

I feel cheated.

I feel like I wasn't given a chance to "properly" experience the "firsts" without Steven because there wasn't just a hole. The hole grew and it had become a cave.

A cave full of loss.

Even now, I can't seem to separate his loss from all the others.

And so it is here.

The anniversary of Steven's death.

The anniversary of the last time I heard his voice.

And... it's Hubby's birthday.......

Writing

Writing is hard.

It's personal.

It is hard to know when you have said enough and when you need more.

We have been working on writing in school.

Next week the 7th graders will have to write a long compostion for the State wide testing.

I have been trying to get them to relax.

I have been trying to let them see and hear that others struggle with writing too.

I tell them my struggles.

I tell of I got up at 4 am every week day morning for a year so I could work on my thesis.

I tell them if I could write for them, I would But the only way to get better at writing is to write.

They are starting to relax.

They are starting to let others help them and not take it personally.

They becoming writers!

The Look

I exited and there he was.
Tall, dark handsome.
He was leaning against the pole.
His blue shirt , jeans and leather coat look casual yet sexy.

His eyes met mine.
He smiled a slightly crooked smile that lit up his eyes.
He nodded and I was drawn to him.

I walked over, eyes locked on his.
I was sweaty and wearing workout clothes but I didn't care.
I felt tingly and wanted to be near him.
I wanted to inhale him, embrace him.

I felt light and giddy.

As I approached he leaned over and kissed me.
My knees got weak.
I closed my eyes and inhaled.

When I eyes opened there he was--
Hubby.
After 20 years he can still make me weak in the knees!

Love Letter

Buried underneath of the piles of stuff from Hubby's dad house is where I found them.

A stack of letters tied up with a ribbon.

They were letters written between Hubby's mom (ML) and dad ( Joe) before they got married.

ML had been engaged to another man--Bud--long story another blog.

While visiting her sister in Ohio she met Joe and by the time she left -6 short weeks later she was engaged to him.

The letters are amazing.

Even way back then you could see the train wreck.

She writes about being worried someone will snatch him up because he is such a catch.

He writes that he doesn't want to know about her friends. She should be concentrating on making life for them and deciding how to decorate their house.

She is quitting school but her parents want her to finish college before she gets married.

She wants to get married and fix him. Make him the best man he can be!

I have soo many questions!

Is this what it was like in 1962?

Woman got married and devoted their lives to their husbands?

When did the switch happen?

Is this switch in their relationship what cause them to split--( ML ended up being the bread winner and Joe hardly worked)

ML writes that she's stupid and moody. And then asks for forgiveness !

I would not use those two words to describe her at all!

Why does she think she is that way and WHY would she tell Joe that?

I have sooo many questions .

By the time I met them, their marriage was doomed.

They divorced the year we got married.

Not a nice divorce.

Both were bitter.

What was really strange--there was no mention of kissing or sex!

No mention of longing to be held, touched or caressed.

It was all about the outside stuff--none of the inside.

Sad ...very sad..........

It is no wonder they got divorced!

It sad so sad.

And the saddest part is I can't ask either of them about it.

Chewing

Freckles is chewing EVERYTHING!

When she is a puppy and she should but...

really look at the list>

Son's sneakers

Hubby's handsome ( work) shoes

Hubby's boots

Hubby's head phones

Hubby's other pair of handsome shoes

Still another pair of Hubby's shoes

3 tuperware bowls

3 books

1 school book of Daughter's

5 dishrags

6 pairs of Hubby's socks

( did you notice that Hubby had a lot on this list--guess who doesn't keep his shoes in the hallway?)

Oh By the way--susan you can stop laughing now!

Working Mom

I enjoy being a working mom.

I love my job.

I feel like I make a difference.

I have been blessed with wonderful people who look after my children.

I arrive at work and don't worry about them.

I think about them , talk about them but don't worry.

Unless....

I get a call from their school.

Then all bets are off.

The line is blurred, no gone.

I am no longer a teacher, an employee .

I am a mom.

Home is where I go.

Home is where I belong.

Freak Accident

Son had indoor recess yesterday. The class was playing catch in the classroom.

He reach down to snatch the ball and in doing so, he knocked the chair on the desk in front of him.

The chair fell and hit him on the head.

He said he was fine but after a few minutes he head started hurting more and he was dizzy.

The teacher walked him down to the nurse.

The nurse put ice on his head and told him to rest.

After about 15 minutes he said it was worse.

Now Son is not a complainer. When he gets hurts, he cries at first ( usually out of frustration) but is up in about 3 minutes playing.

The nurse knew this--she has known him since he was in preschool.

So she called me at school and told me to take him home and watch him.

While driving to pick him up I called his doctor. I spoke with one of the nurses and told her she needed to talk me off the roof before I got to Son's school. All I could think of was Natasha Richardson!

The nurse said bring him right in.

His doctor said he had a closed head injury but watch him. Anything changes call.

We went home, snuggled on the couch and watched a movie.

After the movie Son stood up and lost his balance.

I called the doctor--off to the ER.

As calmly as I could I called Daughter and told her where we going and I would check in when I could.

I calmly explained to Son where we were going and why.

He said fine but don't say " hospital" and will he be able to see a picture of his brain.

After 2 hours, it was determined he has a concussion.

And to watch carefully. Wake her up every few hours through out the night.

So we are home today. Sue lovingly offered to drive 2 hours to stay with him but I realized I would be pretty useless at work. So I am home.

I am glad he is fine--No soccer for a week and I need keep him quiet.

But in a strange way I feel I need to Thank Natasha Richardson. Had her tragic accident not hit the news yesterday morning, I am not sure if I would have taken this so seriously.

I am not sure that Son would not be running around on the playground today or if he would be head butting balls at his game tomorrow.

There is so much we don't understand about the brain.

I Have Become One of Them!!!

When Daughter was little, women would stop me in store and tell me to enjoy those days, they go too fast.

I secretly was thinking " Get a life. Mind your own business. You don't know what you are talking about."

Today I have a meeting to at Daughters school to discuss ..... High School!!!

I didn't think I would be saying those two words and Daughters name together so soon.

But here we are!

It seems like only yesterday she would run down the street to greet Hubby yelling " Daddy!".

It seems like only yesterday she started first grade while I sat in the car and cried!

It seems like only yesterday she had her first day of school here at the Happy Valley and I worried about her all day.

It seems like only yesterday she went to camp for the first time.

It seems like only yesterday she started middle school and here we are at HIGH SCHOOL!!!

It's offical .. I have become one of those!

I feel an urge to tell people with babies to hold tight, memorize their faces, it goes too fast!

She doesn't look like a girl anymore--she looks like a young woman.

Where did the time go?

A Deep Breath

Yesterday I got up and went to workout.

I worked hard and sweated a lot!

When I got home a took a long shower and shaved my legs.

After my shower I got breakfast.

A bowl of yogurt, fresh blueberries and walnuts.

I felt my whole body exhale!

A deep, long exhale.

I think I am really liking this Happy Valley living.

American Idol School

The last two days I have been really enjoying my students.

I have been joking with them and through my jokes I am teaching them things that they would not have gotten before.

Example--they are getting ready to take the State exams at the end of the month. We are practicing writing.

I handed back their papers and ask them if they watched American Idol. They said yes.

I told them that Mark had set the bar and they all needed to meet it.

They laughed and then asked Mark if they could see his paper.

They joked that they didn't want to become Jorge and started writing.

All of them improved!

And we bounded as a class and had fun!

The New Soccer Mom

I took this picture at son's soccer game on Saturday.

I thought it was great!

Two work from home mom's doing their thing!

Wouldn't this make a great Apple ad?

This Seems Familar

It snowed yesterday--another 5 inches.

Yes we had 60 degrees the day before.

It is dark again in the morning.

I was starting to get up with the sun.

Once again I get up before the sun.

Son is sick AGAIN!

This time sore throat.

Haven't we already done this?

Is it February AGAIN!!

Time change

It is dark out this morning.

No,I mean it, it is dark!

Pitch black.

I get up at 5:30--it is dark!!

This is going to be a long month!

Weather

It is going up to 50 today.
It is raining--but it is going up to 50.

The birds are singing.
Ice is melting.

Tomorrow it is going up to 60!

I am SOOOOOO ready for spring!

Shopgirl

Hubby and I rented Shopgirl over the weekend.

Have you seen it?

It is written, directed and stars Steve Martin.

It 's very good.

I thought it was beautifully shot and the love scenes were tender and moving.

I also was impressed how Steve Martin got into the mind of women.

The movie got me thinking--

Wouldn't it be great if we had a Jeremy and a Ray combined into one?

March

You know it is March because you have NO patience for snow.

You know it is March because you are checking the June calendar to see if we have another snow day will it mean another week of snow-- as of yesterday we out 6/19--one ore day and we come back on a Monday! :(

You know it is March because there is no football or baseball.

You know it is March because it is the only time you eat corned beef--what exactly is corned ?

You know it is March because you start looking for bulbs pushing out of the snow.

You know it is March because it is lighter in the morning.

You know it is March because you are sick of your wardrobe and you are wondering if it is to cold to wear that short sleeved shirt.

You know it is March because suddenly everyone is Irish.

You know it is March because 20 degrees seems balmy!

You know it is March because everyone has the blahs ..........

I think they should trade March for another month of summer!!!!!

FYI minus one this morning

Kids These Days!

I got home from Jazzercise the other night all excited!

I was able to do a whole routine without messing up!

I was so excited that I started to show Hubby and Son.

Hubby said, " Ah,,don't you think you should wear a jog bra when you go to class?"

I replied--" Really? Do I bounce?"

" Yes!" replied Son whose hands were covering his face.

I bought a jog bra yesterday!

Weather #5

ANOTHER SNOW DAY!!!!!

We could see the ground.

The ice was gone.

This morning--8 inches and counting! :(

I need tulips.

I need robins.

I need .....SPRING!

I Couldn't Help It--I Wish I Had....

Meg asked if she could trust me with something...... I said yes..

She said " You can't tell anyone! Promise?"

I should have said no.. but I didn't.

I couldn't help myself--I WANTED to know.

Meg said again " You can't tell anyone... ANYONE!!!!!  No One Else Knows!"

I said " You can trust me."

What I SHOULD have said is--" Don't tell me!  I don't want to know--don't need to know!

But I didn't ....

No one else knew--I had to know!!!!

and then she told me.

Now I wish Ihad been stronger.

It's gossip --total gossip--gossip that no one else knows. 

I have a weakness for gossip--I wish I could say I was better than that---

But ... I am not....  I am weak......

So Meg told me........

Now my opinion of someone has TOTALLY changed.

Someone I thought I knew --suddenly disappeared as the words came out of her mouth.

Someone I had know for 5 years. Someone I respected. Someone I thought would never be one of " those"... became one of " Those".

If it had happen one time --I might have said it was just a mistake.

It didn't happen once--it happened all summer.

It explains so much...  

 *his nervousness

*his restlessness

*his saying" Things are crazy here--you don't know how crazy."

*the moving of his assistant to another department --and why she was soooo upset!

*why they are always bickering!

I thought I knew him.  

I should have said no.

This Moment

I feel a change --but I am not there yet.

I see what I need to do and I am taking baby steps. It is starting to get done.

I know what I want but I am still tired, overwhelmed, exhausted.

I am trying to be kind to myself.

I am trying to take it a baby step at a time.

I have use this tool before and I know it works.

I am impatience......

I feel a change, I see the change.  I just have to trudge up the mountain to get it.

One step at a time.

Can you Guess What This Is?

Need a hint?

Anyone for a sleepover?

Running Away

hubby and I are running away for the weekend.

We are doing a Valentines, birthday, anniversary, oh yea that's why I married you weekend!

I am excited!

The Perfect Food?

I am trying to get us to eat healthier.

I am cutting out trans fats, enriched flour and high fructose corn syrup.

I was looking for a "snack" for the sleepover.

I pick up a bag of Cheese curls.

No enriched flour, no corn syrup no trans fat!

Could this be the perfect healthy snack?

Sleepover

The kids are having a sleepover. 

Each of them invited a friend.

I decided to try a new idea for dessert--Chocolate Fondue.

Very easy--went over well--and they ate fruit!

Here is the recipe

1 --16 ounce package of chocolate chips

1 cup of store bought caramel sauce

1/2 cup of milk

Melt chocolate in double boiler / microwave--stirring every 30 seconds.

Stir in caramel and milk until smooth.

Dippers suggestions:

pineapple, grapes, strawberries, graham crackers, potato chips, cake, marshmallows

Happy dipping

Twenty Years Ago #2

Twenty years ago today Hubby proposed.

A limo picked me up at my apartment. Hubby was stressed. The limo was over an hour late.

On the way to the restaurant, where we had our first date, he proposed.

He got down on one knee and asked me to marry him.

He gave a ring that was made up of three beautiful diamonds that came from his Grandmother.

The night was magical and more than I could have ever imagine.

And here it is 20 years later.

Twenty Years Ago

Twenty years ago I was dating a guy who I knew from high school.

We started dating in college.
One night he looked at me and I saw something different. He pulled me close, kissed me and my knees went weak and I couldn't breath.

That was the start of an on again/off again, six year relationship.

Twenty years ago we were back together after being apart for almost a year.
Every day that we were apart, I thought about him,wondered about him.

We got together right after Christmas.
This time it felt different. It felt right.

Twenty years ago was the last time I wonder what is going to happen to us.
Because 20 years ago tomorrow he proposed.

Not the Best Plan

Last night I let the puppy out to do her business.

I was being lazy and thought I would let her out and she would come back in.
She had done it before and I was confident she would do it again.

After about five minutes I called her--nothing.
I got a bone and bang it on the slider--that always works.
Nothing

I called again. Nothing.

Did I mention that our house is on 6 acres of woods and that there are wild animals ( bears, moose, bobcats, fisher cats) in the woods?

I called again. Nothing.

I got my coat on and walked outside.
I couldn't see anything in the woods.

I called again. Nothing.
Now the kids are up and getting nervous--Hubby was not home.

Daughter gets a flashlight and helps me look.
Son is sitting by the door crying.

I am thinking--" Great we get a puppy because we have had so many deaths and now the puppy is going to be eaten by wild animals--no trama here!"

Suddenly I hear something.
I call again.

I hear it again.
I call.

Out from the woods emerges a wet puppy.

I bring her in. I pick her up--I put her down--She is COVERED in smelly poop!!!!!!

Bath time!!

This morning I take her out --on her leash.
It is 5:30--still dark.

I hear a sound--I wait.....listen....

Coyotes .......they are howling.

100 Days

Today is the 100th day of school.

Son had to make a project with a 100 objects on it.

He drew a cake with 100 candles.

Personally I think they should celebrate 90 days.

You know the half way point...

We are on the downward slope.

The end is closer than the start point...

Ah.. ok...like I was saying

It has been a long winter ......

Today is the 100th day.

Facebook

I have discovered Facebook.

Six people asked me to join so I finally did.

Hubby showed me how to download the ap on my phone.

Everyone says it is addictive.

I don't know what they mean--

I have only check  it 25 times today.

Kindof Cute

The elementary school had a Valentine's dance Saturday night.
Son really wanted to go.

Right before he left with Hubby, a he HAD to call his buddy.
No answer, he left a message--Urgent call back.

He told me if his buddy calls have him call Daddy's cell.

His Buddy called last night.

Son went into the other room.
In between the whispers I heard
" She wasn't there. What do I do next? Can you help me?"

8 Year old crushes--aren't they cute!

Everyone Needs a Cerji

I have been overwhelmed with trying to deal all the stuff from Hubby's dad's house.

There are bags of stuff.

Stuff we need to sort, stuff we need to file, stuff we need to chuck, stuff we need to find places for.

He was a bachelor for 20 years and I don't think he cleaned his house in over 10.

I have attempted to start.

I go in, look,  pick up something and walk out.

It is frustrating.

We had just finished painting the front room.

It was going to a yoga/ guest room.

Now is is full of Joe's stuff.

I don't know where to begin.

I was describing this to a friend and she got all excited.

"You need Cerji!"

A friend of hers is starting a home organization business.

I called her and she came over today.

She starts a week from Monday!

YIPPEE!!!!!

I am actually excited about this project.

Feeling Old!!!

Through a series of events, I have gotten in touch with a few classmates from High School.

I haven't heard from them in years!!!

One of them emailed to let me know that his oldest son was expecting a child in a few months.

That means he will be a Grandfather!!

How can this be happening!!

No one from my graduation class is old enough to be a Grandparent!

Hey wait a minute........

Hubby and I are this child's God parents!!!

Does that mean we are Grand God parents?!!!!!!!!

February

You know it is February because the stores are full of pinks and reds.

You know it February because Victoria Secret ads are everywhere.

You know it is February because a snow day is not a big deal any more.

You know it is February because 4 inches of snow doesn't seem like a lot.

You know it is February because 20 degrees seems like a hear wave.

You know it is February because none of the mittens match anymore.

You know it February because jewelry ads are everywhere.

You know it is February because you see pictures of Washington and Lincoln everywhere.

You know it is February because you hear that cherry tree story again.

You know it is February because  you are sick of the winter!!

Thank Goodness February is a short month!

I'll Try It

Son was better this weekend .

Sent him to school and then at 10--call from his school.

He is sick again.

Time to call the doctor.

The doctor said it it is the tail end of the flu.

His intestines are irritated and the bland diet is not helping.

Feed him small meals with fat--yes fats.

Cheese, peanutbutter, chips--yes chips.

I'll give it a try.

At this point I will try Anything!

Side note

The dog is now throwing up!!!!

Ground Hogs Day

Happy Ground Hogs Day.

I hope Phil doesn't see his shadow---I have had enough of the winter!!

I am dreaming of lying on my deck, listening to the kids play in the pool!

ENOUGH ALREADY!!!

More snow 

More ice 

More flu 

ENOUGH

I want to go to Florida

Aren't Men Funny!!

Hubby has  the flu now.

True confessions --when I was sick with the flu I was a terrible patient!  

Put the flu, no sleep and good old case of PMS--and you have a crying, screaming maniac!

Impossible to live with. 

Impossible to talk too.

Just plain impossible!!!!!!!!!

Moving right along.

Hubby is now sick. 

I came home to find him in bed--looking awful.

He started to describe how he felt and I agreed with him. 

I told him I felt the same way this weekend.

He then said" No, this is worse!".

The man who was ready to move out into a hotel with weekend because I was so hard to deal

 said --

" This is worse!  You don't understand"

I have to chuckle!!

and honey is you reading this --sorry I could not resist.

Sounds of a Week Day Morning

Usually I am up and out of the house by 6:30--yep that is right 6:30 AM.

It is quiet when I leave  and dark.

The dogs have been fed and are still sleepy.

The birds are still asleep.

Hubby and Son are still asleep.

Daughter is up--but I would not say she is awake--she is not a morning person.

This past Friday was different.

I was home with Son.

At 7 am Daughter leaves, and Hubby is getting out of the shower.

The dogs are now excited because they think it is Saturday and they are going for a long walk.

The local news is over and the Today shows starts.

Matt and Meredith are serious and look very professional.

At 7:05   the first school  bus goes by.

The sun is peaking out over the hill behind our house. 

Birds--mostly crows start making noise.( I wouldn't call it singing)

7:30 Hubby leaves.

He comes back in 3 times because he needs things.  

He fills up his To Go coffee mug-it is a glass Peanut butter jar--a story for another day.

Comes back for his wallet and keys.

One more time for something else.

Son says Daddy always comes  back inside a few times--it is part of the routine.

8:00 Matt and Meredith start joking around.

They go outside with Al while Ann is still inside.

Matt has a blue paper that he reads from, Meredith a pink.

The serious tone is gone.

The stories they report on are about dogs and recipes.

8:10  The other school bus goes by.

This one you can hear a ways down the street.

It rattles over the bumpy snow cover road--

The sun doesn't hit it so it mounds of packed snow left over from the plows.

8:30

The dishwasher is going. The washing machine is going.

I am frantically looking for a pen to copy down the recipe Al is going to give me next hour.

9:00 Son is up.

He is lying on the couch.

The Disney channel is on.

I missed Al's recipe and now have no idea what to make for dinner.

I feel like the day is half over!

Remembering

The Flu bug has come to the Happy Valley.

Son got it first.

He was such a trooper!

As I sat up with him until 2am, I was remembering the first time one of my children got the flu.

It was Daughter and I was totally overwhelmed.

Will she ever stop throwing up?

How will I know when it time to cal the doctor?

How can so much be in the tummy of a 3 month old?

This time I knew what to do.

I got a bucket. I rubbed his back. I sat on the couch with him and turned on the TV to distract him.

I knew what to do thanks to the help of Sue and ML.

Every time Daughter got sick I called them.

Sue would say-" Yep, that's what you do."

ML would say ." You are doing a good job. Trust your gut."

It was nice to know that I could take of Son this time but I kindof missed that check in.

It brought back warm memories.

So as I stayed up with Son, I told him the stories of Sue and Grammy.

He said it helped.

Sick

The flu has blanketed the Happy Valley the past few days.

The fog appears to be lifting!!

I Love My Job!!!

Six years ago I was testing a 7th grader ( Kasey)

She was sweet and worked hard.

I was doing a new kind of testing , one that looked at reading differently.

This test looked at how kids read words off the page AND how kids remember ( comprehend) what they read.

Kasey could read the words off the page beautifully!!!

When I did the part that looked at her comprehension, she fell apart.  Literally....

She started to cry and soon was a total mess.

" I have no idea what I just read!", she cried . " It takes me 6 hours to do homework at night. I don't remember ANYTHING I read!!"

I told her that everything would be ok and together we could fix that.

Now she is a senior.

Today she stopped by my classroom.

Tomorrow she is taking her last final at our school--( we are a 7-12 school).

She is graduating early.

Monday she starts at a local community college.

She is going into Education.

I just LOVE my job!!!

An Awakening

This president has woke me up. He has reminded me of my roots.

I am close to his age, was raised during the late 60's early 70's.

I along with many others were raise to do help others.

When I was trying to figure out what I wanted to be when I "grew up" --helping others was the underlying theme.

Somewhere along the way those seeds that were planted got hidden below the bush and were replaced with " stuff".The need to keep up with the " Jones" came first.

The idea of the beautiful home with the the granite counter tops kitchen , big screen TV's , Wii's and playstations came first.

My kids see something on TV they yell--'I want that" or "Can we get that?".

Somewhere along the way I lost what was important.

I am going back to my roots.

I am going to remind myself what is really important.

I am going to help others. I am going to instill these values in my children.

And I am sooo excited that a have a president that is going to lead the way.

You Have to Admit

You have to admit that TODAY is an amazing event!

No matter your political views...   it is an amazing day.

Since 9/11 our country has been run by fear. Fear has shaped many if not most of Bush's decisions.

In November we took back that fear. We remembered who we were and starting to embrace the American dream once again.

Whether you are a Democratic or Republican , you must feel that since of pride.  

Our New President is living  the American dream.

A smooth transition of power will take place. Bush and Obama will switch places and they will be no blood shed.

Amazing!!!

We live in an amazing country and I am so glad to be a part of new beginning.

Something to Ponder

I read a line in a book--" I am my own best friend."

Hmmmmm--I don't think I am.

I put myself down, I put myself at the end of the list.

I would never say things to my friends like I say about me.

For a long time I hated myself. I felt like I didn't measure up. I wasn't smart or pretty enough. 

Actually, I felt like I wasn't enough of anything.

But little by slow I started to accept me.

Today I know I am good at my job. I know that I am good teacher and I DO help them.

Today I know that I am not ugly and I am learning to take care of myself.  I am working on my posture, eating better, dressing better and exercising.  I am ok with me. I know I can get better and WANT to get better.  

That is a big change. I never felt like I deserved to get better or would ever get better. 

Today I know and want to be better/ healthier.

Today I am excited for what's around he next corner. I am enjoying getting to know me and ...

Starting to enjoy me.

BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

It is COLD!!!

Woke up this morning it was minus 4.

Drove to work it was minus 12--yep that is right minus 12 and No that does not mean with the windchill factor.

The drive to work was beautiful.

The river was fogged in. It was thick and dense.

The moisture from the fog crystallized on the trees.. The moisture crystallized and created in sparkly, white glitter against the black tree limbs.

I felt as if I crossed over to some mythical land.

Who knew Narinia was in the Happy Valley.

Media Free Time

We have started something new at our house--Media Free time.

Between the hours of 6-9 no media--( except on American Idol night, then it goes to 8).

Friday, Saturday and Sunday are also exempt.

The list includes: TV, computer, video games and Game Boys.

At first I thought it would be hard--but it hasn't been. Actually, it has beeen fun.

We play games together, read books by the fire, put together Leggo projects, and dance.

It has been a lot of fun and the kids seem to be enjoying it too.

It is just like in the olden days or as Son calls it --" when it was Black and White".

Pictures

Pictures are funny things. 

They freeze a moment  and then life goes on.

I hate pictures of me.

I am always shocked at how I look.

I don't feel like I look.

As a result I don't like having my picture taken.

There are few pictures of me.

This doesn't usually bother me until  Christmas card time.

Then it looks like I am not a part of my life.

I am --I am the one taking the picture.

This year card had pictures of the people we lost and us.

I took most of the pictures and as a result am not in the pictures

Well, I am in one.

Normally, I don't care but this time it looks like I wasn't a part of their lives

But I was.

Is it just enough to know it for myself and who cares what everyone else thinks?

Is it just an in law thing?

Don't get me wrong, I love the card and the pictures.

It just looks like I didn't part take in their lives.

Something to think about for the future....

What 3

Oprah is going the Best Life thing so I thought I would give it a whirl.

I DVR the episodes.

Today was Dr. Oz .

 I caught just a bit but he had a few suggestions.

One was --what 3 foods are you willing to give up now:

I posed the question to Hubby.

Here is what we came up with--

Good Bye- Oreos, Doritos, and ??

We could not come up with a third!

Oh , this is not good.....

Fun Exercise

I need to exercise more. I do Gyrotonics once a week but I need to do more.

So tonight I went to Jazzercise.

It was SOOOOO Much FUN!!!!

I went with a friend from work and we laughed the whole time.

I am going back on Wednesday.

Molly's Wish

The day after New Year's Molly climbed into my lap for a snuggle.

Molly is my niece, she is 6 and lives in Ohio.

Molly has had a tough year too. Her Daddy, Papa and Grammy died in 2008.

I told her that when a new year starts some people a make wish for the new year.

" What would your wish be?"

She got quiet and said " I don't think Mommy is ready for my wish."

I asked her what was her wish.

" To have a new Daddy. If we had a new Daddy we wouldn't be so sad."

Did Not See THAT Coming!

So after two days of not being able to flush a toilet or run water, we decided to bail.

We left for Hubby's step dad's house. He is out of town and said we could crash there.

The kids started to act up.

" This is hard"  Daughter said.

" What's hard? Going to a place where we can flush toilets?" I replied.

" It will be fine. Quickly get your stuff and let's go!" I said.

I was tired of looking at the crap in my tub. 

I was tired of the smell of poop and Clorox!

I wanted out!

We arrived with 2 very quiet children.

When I went to tuck them in- --they were crying.

" Are you going to sleep in the bed that Grammy died in? " asked Son.

I was stunned!!!

I TOTALLY forgot!  Grammy died here.

This  loving home had become   "The place where Grammy died".

I took a minute and told them how Grammy loved having them sleep over there--how she decorated the room with them in mind.

That seemed to help a little.

Some how them managed to fall asleep.

Someone ought to write a manual for this stuff!

I used to be...

I used to be the kind of person who had a hard time finding her voice.

I used to be a people pleaser.

I used to know what you wanted and not have a clue what I wanted or needed.

I used to want to be beige--to blend in.

I used know what kind of shoes you were wearing because I never looked you in the eye.

I used to have things happen to me and not have a clue " how that happened!"

I used to wait and have someone else solve the problem.

That was a long time ago.

Until lately--

I don't know what happened. All of a sudden things are hard .

I feel like I lost my voice and my confidence.

I am easily overwhelmed.

Today I stronger than I was yesterday , but I am not back.

I feel a little lost---------

How come this is happening now?

Not the Septic

The septic was pumped but I came home to a tub full of ------.

Now we call a plumber

ARRRRRRRRRRRRR

It sleeting outside. The rain is freezing and my septic has backed up into my bath tub!

I called the septic guy--he said he would come after I got the driveway plowed.

Found a friend to plow--Hubby is at work.

Called back the septic guy--he won't come!

I normally handle things like this ok--but lately my anxiety level is off the roof.  

I started to cry when the guy said he would not come and hung up on him.

Hubby feels helpless- he works 40 minutes from home.

I have called and left messages for other septic guys.

So I sit and wait.

We can't flush the toilet--did I mention I have  stomach bug?

We can't shower--all of us need showers. Don't you love puberty!

What can happen next?

Weather #4

It is forecasted to snow, then turn to freezing rain, than back to snow over the next 24 hours.

We are gearing up.

I bought water in case the power goes out. We have a well, which has a pump that is run on electricity.

We have a fireplace so we will have heat.

Everyone is excited.

The kids could not concentrate at school. 

The principal told us to have our snow trees ready.

Everyone was talking about " how much we are going to get. This is will be a bad one."

Hubby got me a weather radio for Christmas. It has been broad casting winter storm warnings since 5 am.

The weather Maven ( that is what Hubby calls me)  is ready.

January

You know it is January because you are taking down the tree.

You know it is January because you are checking the weather in hopes of a snow day.

You know it is January because you are trying to figure out how long you can keep up the outside Christmas lights!

You know it is January because you can't find gloves in the morning.

You know it is January because Hot Chocolate appears on your shopping list.

You know it is January because there are white sales.

You know it January because you have to refill your windshield wiper fluid.

You know it January because you have seen all the movies on On Demand.

You know it is January because 4 inches of snow doesn't seem like a lot.

You know it is January because you can't remember what 80 degree weather felt like!

Wondering Out Loud #8

Why is the trip home always longer than the trip there?

Birthday

Today is Hubby's brother birthday.
He would have been 41.

We are going to the cemetary today.
While we are there we will blow bubbles and make birthday wishes.
Papa is buried next to him so we will make wishes for him too.

A few of uncles will join us there.

Afterwards we will go out for dinner and ice cream.

It feels surreal. We have started to move on, heal and recover and WHAM! we are back there again!
I feel sad and angry at the same time.
I feel flat and full of life.
I am anxious to move on but a part of me feels guilty.
Is is okay to move on after we have lost so many?
I am starting to see what that looks like and it looks like we can do it.


But for today we will go back to the source of pain but we will do it together and we will emerge sooner, healthier than before.