Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Wondering Out Loud


ML was the type of woman that when she walked into a room she owned it. She would be dressed to the nines and would catch the eye of more than one man in the room.  
If it happened to your man was checking her out,  that was ok. 
She was not overly concerned about what you thought.

Like the time she wore a see through dress with a nude slip under it. Her sister in law was shocked and asked what she was wearing underneath it. 

She smiled and said,  " Use your imagination".

Today she seems  to prefer the company of women.

When I can step away from the emotions and look at the situation  it is fascinating. 

Why does she prefer the company of woman now?  Is it because she looking for a mother to comfort her? 
Or, are woman more sensitive in these situations?  
( Don't get me wrong ; her husband Bud,  is wonderful with her. ) 

I have been amazed at what I have been able to do for her. 
How did I know to read her children stories?  
How did I know to help her meditate?
How did I know to tell her it was ok that she wasn't making any sense, her body was just  over tired?

And...
Why did she listen to me and not fight me? 
 
Does she know it is ME talking to her or does she think I am just someone who is caring for her?

I am just wondering......









Monday, September 29, 2008

Birthday Wishes

My niece turns 3 today,  and I am angry.

I am angry that her dad is not here to be a part of the celebration. 
I am angry that her dad won't be here to read her stories at night.
I am angry that her mom is left to plan the rest of her birthday celebrations by herself.
I am angry that my niece won't remember her Daddy.


and.........
I am angry at her Dad.  

Her Dad had a disease that slowly took him away from his family.  
He had a stinking Dis Ease that did not allow him to see that he had choices.  
He thought the only way  out was to take his life.

I am angry that the medical professional did not know how to help him.


I wish he was here to be a Daddy to his little girl.
I wish he was here to say Happy Birthday.
I wish he was here to tuck her in and kiss her good night.

I wish he knew there was another answer.




Sunday, September 28, 2008

ARRGGGGGGGGGG

I feel like I am in limbo land.

Nothing is" normal".  
There is no routine.  

Everything seems to revolve around ML dying. 

It permeates everything!

I want my routine back. I want normal back. 

I am tired of seeing sad faces on those I care about. 

I am tired of the disconnect that happens when people are so overwhelmed they can barely function.

I want to be normal again!--There I said it!

Now................. I am totally overwhelmed with guilt. 

Our routine will return when ML leaves us. 
I don't want her to leave us  but...... in some ways she has. 
The woman who stares at me with vacant eyes is not ML. 

I don't know that person and she does not know me. I care about her but don't know her.

I feel so lost. -------------I feel so guilty.

I don't want ML to die---I just want to be normal again.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Sue

Everybody needs a Sue in their life.

A week after Daughter was born I hit the wall. Exhausted and overwhelmed. 
Sue came over, put me to bed. I woke up 3 hours later to a clean house, clean sleeping baby and a turkey dinner in the oven!  I still tear up when I think about it.

There was more than one time I called  her up and told her I was sick and Hubby was on the road. I did not know what to do with Daughter. Sue would be over in 20 minutes, and take Daughter for the night. One time she slept Daughter in a dresser drawer because she did not have the  pack and play.

Fast forward to present:
Daughter is turning 13, her Grammy is dying, I have Open House at MY school and Hubby has to go to Open House at Daughter's school.  

This was HER special day and no one would be here to help celebrate. 
Entered  Sue.
" No problem she says. "
Sue took both kids out to Daughter's favorite restaurant--Chili's. 
She picked up a birthday cake and reminded us all to sing Happy Birthday to her before she went to bed.

I am so blessed to have Sue in my life. My life and the lives  of my kids have  been enriched by having Sue in our lives.

Thank you Sue !

 I love you!

Thursday, September 25, 2008

13!!!!



Daughter turned 13 today!  

A teenager! 

I remember when she was born the song "Butterfly Kisses" came out.  

The first I heard it I burst into tears.

Today I realized she half way through the song!!!

I remember people telling me to enjoy this time-- it goes too fast. At the time I was over tired and overwhelmed.  

All I wanted was a good night sleep.

What I wouldn't give for one more night of snuggling her on my lap.  

Where did the time go?

Did I tell you she is 13 ?  Half the age I was when I got married?

When I look at her she is still my little girl ( don't tell her that).

HOW/ WHEN did this happen?  






Wednesday, September 24, 2008

My commute

" Damn this traffic jam.By the time I get home my supper's be cold. Damn this traffic jam!"JT

James Taylor's song has no meaning here in the Happy Valley. I have a beautiful, stress free commute.
I leave school and wind around a mountain. 
Next I cross over a river, creep through peaceful, sleepy town nestled next to the river. 
After a few miles I pass an alpaca farm, several streams and a few dairy farms.
From there I climb back up the hill that leads to my road. 
I turn down my tree lined road. Several houses play peek a boo with breath taking views of the valley.

At last I turn in my driveway .

This is home. 

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Parenting Mistake #7,842

Son likes to REMIND me of the things I do wrong. ( aren't 7 year old boys wonderful?)

Today he reminded me of his Baseball camp experience.  He attended Baseball camp for a week in July. He was very excited and loved it. 
Well he loved MOST  of it.

" Why did you pack me goldfish crackers for a snack?" asked Son.

" Because you LOVE  goldfish crackers " I replied sweetly.  (I was sure a big Thank you was coming...)

" Baseball player DO NOT eat goldfish crackers!" stated Son. " It was humiliating!!!  "


I Blew it AGAIN!!

Monday, September 22, 2008

Good Bye Summer

So long days at the pool, grilling, playing at the beach, suntans, flashlight tag , camp, roasting marsh mellows, sleeping in.



Hello to:
Cool nights, warm day, colorful leaves, football games, soccer games, fires in the fireplace,leaf peepers, apple picking, carving pumpkins and Halloween.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Red sky at night


Sailor's Delight

Sunset in the Happy Valley

Why is Gulliver Barking?!

Gulliver ( our dog) needed to go out and do his business. Son let him out.

A few minutes later Gulliver returned and started barking.  Son let him in.

Gulliver kept barking.  I yelled from the other room

" Why is he still barking?"

Daughter yelled" Don't let him out!  There is a bear in the back yard!"

I went to the window and sure enough 20 feet from the house was a black bear.

It walked across our back yard, crossed the street, and through the neighbors yard to an open field.

A Black Bear.  

I called hubby at work.

" Did you take a picture?" he asked.

I was to stunned to even think about a camera.

Friday, September 19, 2008

A Battle Won

My department head spoke to the principal today.  She won her over.

JT will get his reading services.

I will sleep tonight.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Isn't that what we are paid to do?!

We got a reading grant at my school. Four of us were chosen to take this grad course on teaching dyslexic children how to read.

One of my colleagues( LO) asked for assistance in choosing a student. I suggested JT. Great kid, hard worker but has a hard time reading. When I got him years ago he was reading like this 
Kah-ah-TTT. ----- Yes he was in the 6th grade.

When he left me last year he could sixth grade words but it took him a very long time. 
He worked hard and was very motivated.

This year he is in the high school. The teacher he has now refuses to work on reading with him.
I thought he would be a perfect student to work with LO.  

I went to my department head got permission. Talk to JT  he LOVED the idea.  Called his mom --she cried and agreed.

I was thrilled. I had been so worried about him.

JT's current teacher ( the one that won't teach him to read) went to the principal and complained!  

She doesn't want him pulled from her class. She said he won't get the proper English credits to graduate. 

GRADUATE!!!!  

 HE NEEDS TO LEARN HOW TO READ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The principal called me.

SHE WAS UPSET WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She will try and fix this but I made a mess of this.  

I made a mess of this because I want the kids to learn to read?!!!!!!!

 






Who knows

Was with ML yesterday. While sitting with her she started talking nonsense. Then she turned to me and asked where Suze went. I asked her if she meant her sister and she said yes.

I told her Suze had died and as soon as it came out of my mouth I KNEW it was the wrong thing to say.
ML started to cry and looked sad and scared. 

I moved closer to her and hugged her.  

I told her that Suze really loved her and if there was a way she could help her right now she would. I told her if she was seeing and hearing Suze that she should take comfort in that. Maybe Suze was there and holding her and helping her. We really don't know what happens when people cross over. 

She relaxed . She took a deep breath. She smiled and said Thank you.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Wait for it...Good News

In the sea of all this sadness and grief comes good news.

Right after S ( Hubby's brother) died a good friend of ours ( Johnny) got sick with tongue cancer.

I did not know you could get tongue cancer but you can.  (Yet another reason not to smoke.)

We were worried.We said prayers.  The kids sent cards. He did his treatment.

He came out to see us a few weeks ago. 
Thinner than before. 
Eating through a tube, and unable to swallow. 
By the end of his visit he was in a lot of pain, but very grateful to be alive.

Today he called. The docs at gave him a clean bill of health.

Finally a battle we won!


Monday, September 15, 2008

Normal... what is that?

I get up, I check my emails.  Any word?

I go to work and I check my cell phone every hour. Any word?

I leave work and check in with Hubby. Any word?

I stop by to visit ML on the way home. I worry J.
J  is our friend, a member of the family and takes care of ML.  
"You don't normally do that, " J replies.


I come home and I try to our normal things. 
I help Daughter with homework. It takes longer. It is hard to think she says. That is not normal.

I spend time with Son. He is full of questions.  "What will happen when Grammy dies? How long will she be alive?  Did she forget how to walk is that why she has a wheelchair now?"

Are these questions normal?

I go to pilates class. I can't focus. My pilates teacher is gentle and kind. I feel like crying. That is not normal.

I check my emails. I update people. What is the latest word?

Will Hubby be home for dinner or will he go straight to his moms? It is normal for him not be home for dinner these days. 

Daughter calls him. Don't worry about me he says. That is his normal reply.

I ask her how Daddy sounds. She replies ,
"Normal... or least as normal as he has sounded lately. "

..... what is normal?  And ...

will things ever be normal again? And ...

what will that look and feel like?

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Changing of the Guard

ML was a little better today.

We all went to see her. 
Son walked right in, gave her a hug and started talking.

Daughter was nervous. ML knew this and gave her space.
Little by slow Daughter became comfortable. After about an hour she would wander in and sit and chat with her all by herself.

Dinner time came. ML needs help feeding herself.  Daughter helped  her. 

I stood in the doorway and watched my daughter feed her grandmother. She was comfortable. She was patience. She was chatting.  She was kind. She was caring. All the things her grandmother had been with her when she used to feed her.

ML was beaming.

I teared up.

And I knew this is a moment Daughter would never forget.



 

Saturday, September 13, 2008

An Unexpected Gift

I had a dream the other night. 
I dreamt my mother in law's( ML) uncle came to visit me. He wanted her to know he was there. Then he told me,   to tell ML what I needed to tell her. 

Then I woke up.

I have learned to listen to my dreams and not question them.

ML is dying. She is in the care of hospice. 

Hubby called yesterday to say that this mom's condition had changed. I went to see her.

I sat with her while she slept and when she woke up she seemed to know me. She said she had a bad dream.    I took  my opportunity.  

I told her I had a dream about her Uncle Dan and he wanted her to know he was there.  She stopped and then smiled. A real smile.  
"He is strong," she said. 
 I said he was there if she needed him.

I went on. I told her I knew her stories and I will tell her stories to her grandchildren. I thanked her for taking me in to her family. I thank her for being kind to me. I told her I loved her and then I hugged her.

She hugged me back. A real hug.
We both cried and then she asked me to tell her one of her stories.  And I did.

I was given a gift. In the midst of all this pain, I was given a gift.

Thank you.

Crock Pots--not crack pots

It must be that  time of year. Several blogs I follow are making Crock Pot dinners. I thought I would join in. Today I am making Moma's losin' it meatballs.

Tomorrow's menu will be Roast Beast. I am not using Queen mom recipe-though it looked good.  I am using Trader's Joes.   

If any of you have a TJ near you get their Cabernet Beef Pot Roast.  Crock pot directions right on the package. I add carrots and mushrooms  and then roast can potatoes in the oven--Family favorite.
I think the TJ roast beef tastes a bit like the pot roast dinner at the Liberty Tree Tavern in Disney World.
My new plan is to make 2 big dinners on the weekend and serve the leftovers during the week.

We will see how that goes.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

7 years ago.

Silence 

That what I recall most. We lived under the flight path to Logan Airport and there were no flights for 5 days.

Silence when I walked the dog.

Silence when I went to sleep.

Silence when I woke.

Loud,  isolating , silence.

A few nights later we gathered at the end of road. 
We lined up along the Blvd. 
The Blvd. that was next to the beach that over looked the airport.  

The silent airport.


We held candles.  We looked and felt helpless.

Then Daughter ( 6 yrs old) started singing  "My country 'tis of thee".
People started joining in.  

Everyone started singing.  
We held hands. 
We embraced.


The silence was broken. 

We had made a connection.

We started to heal.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Safe


Son came down last night after I had tucked him in. He was sobbing and said he had a bad dream.

After he cuddled with me on the couch, he said he had "kindof" a dream. And then he said he didn't feel safe.

The words ripped my heart open. And I did not know what to say.

He has been through a lot. His uncle died in April, his Papa died in May, a good friend died in August and his Grammy is dying. ( hospice was called in this week).

What do you say a 7 year that has had so much lost?

I put a mattress on the floor in our room. I told him to get his cow, Red Sox bear and Spotty. ( stuffed animals) I put Gulliver's ( our dog) bed next to the mattress. I told him Daddy and I were right there.

I didn't know what else to do.

It is my job to keep him safe. I can't control what is happening or has happened.

I felt helpless. I felt let down by the universe.

I just want him to feel safe.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

DUH...


I don't like housework. 
I am not good at housework. 
I like a clean house but I am not very good at it.
For years I have tried to keep the kitchen clean  but I can't keep it up. 

The ritual. Come home from work. Clean the kitchen, load dirty dishes, make dinner. After dinner put what I can in the dishwasher, run it call it a night.  In the morning maneuver around the dirty dishes that didn't make it into the dishwasher.

But now something has shifted. I get home from work and unload the dishwasher. Then I put the  breakfast dishes in the dishwasher. When I make dinner I clean up as I go. After dinner the kids clear their dishes and load them in the dishwasher. Then I wipe down counters and run dishwasher before I go to bed. In the morning  I wake up to clean counters. When I come home counters are clean .   ( see how clean they are?)

It is a miracle!  It is like the universe has shifted!

I wonder how long it will last?

Monday, September 8, 2008

Thank God for Frogs


Our first night in the Happy Valley was very strange. It was quiet. Very quiet. Too quiet. 
We could not sleep. 
Our old house was next to a very busy street and we were used to hearing cars roar by all night long. 

Here in the Happy Valley; nothing. SILENCE. Total silence. 

This went on for several nights. Then the tree frogs started.

Thank goodness!  Now I could sleep. There was finally noise!

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Boxers or Briefs


Son grew  A LOT this summer.  In the spring I bought him size 7 pants. We tried on a pair of them  the other day--total flood waters.

He also out grew all his "big boy" pants.  ( lots of pulling action). I decided I better get some more underwear  ( I am seven now, I wear underwear)

I was surprised to discover I had so many choices. Briefs--colored , whities  tighties , boxers and boxer briefs.

What is a girl to do? I have NO idea which ones are comfortable / practical.  

So I compromised. I got the boxer briefs.

Son was thrilled. Wears them with or without pants.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Organization


I read Queen Mommy's post yesterday and was in awe.  

I try very hard to be organized but it does not come naturally.  

I spent April vacation organizing closets only to have them a complete disaster by July.

I can get started but I can't keep it up. 


Suggestions welcome!


New Tradition



Last night our pastor( PV) started a new tradition--a campfire/ camp out. The older kids  ( 5th grade and up) slept over in tents.  The younger kids came for a pot luck dinner and campfire.

One of the many nice things about living in the Happy Valley is that our homes are in the woods. PV 's house is set way off the road. It has a huge backyard with a fire pit and is surrounded by woods.   Perfect for a camp out.

It was a lot of fun. We ate, played games, sang songs around the camp fire, and made S'mores.
Old and young had a good time. 

Son did not want to leave! He commented that the one bad things about PV's house is that it is hard to leave!

We have to pick up Daughter  this morning. Wonder how they made out last night? It rained.

And so a new tradition has begun!

Friday, September 5, 2008

Lunch time at Happy Valley Elementary School

Like I have stated, we live in Happy Valley.

Organic food galore, many vegetarians and some vegans.

To get a clearer picture let's take a looksee at the lunch menu for today.

Whole wheat classic cheese pizza, mixed veggies and fresh bananas. Alternative lunch is veggie burger on whole wheat bun or a Soy Nut butter sandwich on a whole wheat bread.

Starting to get the picture?

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Men and their tools

What is it with men and their tools?

We were having a cookout and Hubby mentioned that he had recently ventured over to the local hardware store. The guys lend forward, bowed their heads and were silent.

What is really amazing about men and their tools is,  that all men do not know how to use their tools. (This is not true of Hubby. He is very good with his tools.)

Evidence:
A guy a work with returned to school  in a cast. He cut his toe with his chainsaw! He had to have surgery on his tendons.  

Another guy I know decided to weed whack. He came out with googles, knee pads, long sleeve shirts and work boots.  Ten minutes later he was knocking on the door asking for a band aid.  He cut himself on the one place that was not protected.

I don't get it!

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

OK Here is my homework assignment

Daughter what can I say about her? She is wonderful,caring , funny, smart, and terrific! I would like to take credit for al of that but I can't. She came out that way.

Daughter is a very hard worker. When she comes home from school she grabs a snack and begins her homework. When she was struggling with math she got up early and did extra math with her dad. She wants to a better writer so she started a blog . Sometimes it takes D awhile to understand new concepts but she does not give up. She will keep at it until she fully understands it. D has become her best advocate.

D is a wonderful big sister. While waiting for Son to arrive she witnessed an older sister whacking her little brother and that horrified her. She vowed never to treat her brother that way and she has kept her promise. Younger children adore her. while working as a CIT at the elementary school she was often surrounded by a group of second grade girls.

D loves music. When D was younger she was always singing and dancing. When she started choir in 3rd grade she could not keep her feet still. Today she belongs to the local children's choir and still sings all the time.

Everyone that has met D, has commented on what a great kid she is. She is not afraid to stand up for the underdog. She is strong enough to walk through her fears. She is smart enough to make good choices. I feel very blessed to be her Mom. 

Monday, September 1, 2008

Homework


Daughter came home with homework for me! No, not the " fill out the school forms" homework. Real homework. I had to write an essay about her. 

I thought it would be easy but it was hard. 

I felt like I was bragging and yet I wanted to let her English teacher know what an amazing  kid she is. I wanted him to know how special she is. I wanted him to love her as much as I do. 

I hate homework!

Running of the UHauls

It is Labor Day which means the UHauls have arrived. 

The Happy Valley is near several colleges and this the weekend the students arrive. 
So long to the lazy, hazy days of summer.

Survival strategies:
1. Do all shopping BEFORE noon on Saturday. 
2. DO NOT venture into Target or Walmart unless it is a dire emergency.
3. Stay home if at all possible.
4. Add an extra 15 to time travel if you dare to venture out.

Good Luck and may the force be with you!