Roller Coaster Rides

I haven't been blogging.

I have written a few but I haven't posted them.

I have been waiting for today.

It could see it, feel it, dread it.

It kept marching on and I knew it would get here.

I knew it wouldn't stop. I just waited.

Today is Hubby's birthday.

I could write about that--but I can't.

Today is April Fool's Day--I could write about that--but there in nothing funny about today.

April first will forever be changed in my mind and heart.

One year ago, at 2:20 am ( will technically it was April 2nd) the phone rang.

I usually don't answer it , but I did.

It was Hubby's brother--Steven.

" Oh, Hi C . Is J there?"

" Steven it's 2:30 in the morning. We have to work tomorrow!", I replied.

Silence.

" Good bye" he said.

And then he hung up.

I went back to bed.

I lay there

Good bye.

Steven never says good bye.

The next morning Hubby had 4 text messages from Steven.

They didn't make sense.

I checked my emails-

Jules emailed to say Steve was acting up again and they had a rough night.

Steve had called her several times.

He was yelling and ranting.

Later we heard that two of Steve's friends received weird text messages from Steve.

Steve also called his mom around 11 and was told she was asleep.

He was suppose to meet Jules at 1 for an appointment.

He no showed.

Jules called his cell several times.

No answer.

Silence all day.

The next day, the same thing -- silence.

On the third day Jules drove by his house.

His car was there.

She called the police.

They did a well check.

But all was not well.

Steven had killed himself.

He had been dead for several days.

The was April 4th-Jay's brother Mark's birthday.

And so started the Roller Coaster ride.

Within SIX months only 1 brother ( Mark) would be still be alive from Hubby's family.

By all accounts I was the last one to speak to Steven--I think about that more than I care admit.

I feel like we didn't have a chance to mourn Steven.

That even though it was been a year--

---a whole year--

We didn't get a chance to truly experience a year without Steven because the loss of Joe, Gena and Bruce, got in the way.

And so I sit.

I brace myself.

Will we get a chance to truly mourn Steven or will something else get in the way--I wonder.

I feel cheated.

I feel like I wasn't given a chance to "properly" experience the "firsts" without Steven because there wasn't just a hole. The hole grew and it had become a cave.

A cave full of loss.

Even now, I can't seem to separate his loss from all the others.

And so it is here.

The anniversary of Steven's death.

The anniversary of the last time I heard his voice.

And... it's Hubby's birthday.......